


Just Like That

by sunblossom



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Phanfiction, also drunk stuff happens, and dancing in the lounge, danny boy falls in love, phil has no idea
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2018-12-18 22:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11884008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunblossom/pseuds/sunblossom
Summary: Dan thought he was doing okay. He and Phil had their London apartment, their friendship, their community. Love didn't usually cross his mind.However, one dance with Phil in their living room and it changed absolutely everything.Just like that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go! First phanfic! Honestly, had this idea for a while now and excited to write it out if all goes well.

The morning started off like any other with Dan waking up, rolling over, and grabbing his phone. It seemed recently that he started to wake up before his alarm. This freaked him out just a little. Squinting his eyes open, he glanced at the phone’s clock.

9:10

“Oh god, why.” He grumbled and slammed his phone back on his nightstand. He turned over and pulled his blanket up over himself. There was no way he was planning on getting up at this time. He and Phil spent all week working on things so today was supposed to be their day off. No way was he getting up now.

A cloud clatter rang through the apartment followed by a yelp.

Dan threw his covers off and groaned. He listened for a second.

The sound of a spoon falling. Followed by a _“crap”_.

“There it is.” Dan sighed.

There really was no way he was going to get any sleep at this point. Usually if Phil forgot to put on his glasses or contacts in the morning, there was no end to things falling or him bumping into things. Of course Dan didn’t blame him. They spent the night mixing weird drinks when Phil bought a case of weird cocktail syrups online. At this point there was no end to the packages that showed up at their door.

But somehow Phil managed to get much drunker than Dan after he made a row of drinks using every color of syrup he had. Hungover Phil was always fun.

Dan swung himself upright and sat at the edge of the bed yawning. He stumbled up and trudged over to his chair where he snatched up a shirt. As he was putting it on, he walked out of his room.

In the kitchen Phil was stirring his coffee and held a box of cereal under his armpit. Dan entered and immediately noticed Phil’s glasses on the counter. He grabbed them and walked over to Phil.

“Morning, you.” Dan chuckled and prodded Phil with his glasses.

“Oh morning, Dan.” Phil yawned and picked up his mug.

“Glasses.” Dan held them up and Phil squinted.

In a state of disarray Phil looked down at his mug in one hand and the other propping up the cereal box. He was trying to figure out what to put down to take the glasses, but in his hungover state he just stood there looking scared.

“Well, at least that’s not my cereal.” Dan grinned and carefully slide Phil’s glasses onto his face.

“You hid it well this time.” Phil blinked his eyes as they adjusted.

Phil gave another huge yawn and walked out of the kitchen to the lounge. As soon as he left, Dan opened the oven and pulled out his cereal box. Since the only times they used the oven were in their baking videos, it was the perfect hiding spot.

He soon joined Phil in the lounge with his bowl of cereal and sat crossed legged on the couch.

Hungover Phil had his cereal box positioned between him and the arm of the couch and his coffee in his hands. Dan watched as he picked up the box and spilled some into his mouth.

“How can you do that so carefully?” Dan asked and spooned a mouthful of cereal.

“I’m the cereal king. No other explanation needed.” Phil grinned and chewed loudly.

“Okay, cereal king, what are the plans for today?”

“Chammph,” he tilted his chin up and spoke with a mouthful.

Dan tried to hide a smile with another spoonful

“Chill?” Phil repeated, “I mean nothing to worry about today so we can just bum around.”  He then took a handful of cereal and shoved it into his mouth. He then took a swig of coffee and chewed it all together.

Dan stared at him, “WELL. It’s too early to even get into the browsing position,” he pulled his phone out and turned it on, “Fuck, only 9:20?”

“I’m just gonna take it slow. Cereal king still has his hangover headache.” Phil said and started to pour the contents of his bowl in his mouth—still half a bowl of cereal and all the milk. He placed the bowl next to him after and pulled his legs up to his chest. With his mug in his hands, he sighed contently.

They sat there in silence with the only sounds coming from Dan’s chewing. Phil had been humming for a bit before he fell asleep, still gripping his mug. Dan smiled and carefully pried the mug from his friend’s hands and set it down on the floor. Careful not to wake Phil, he reached around him and took the cereal box.

Mornings in their apartment were either with Phil waking up early and then passing out on the couch for an extra hour, or both of them sleeping in till 12. And every time Phil woke up early, Dan was usually woken by something falling. Always.

He didn’t usually mind early mornings because he was able to begin working on video ideas and be productive. But who was he kidding, it usually meant a ‘let’s procrastinate for half the day and then lie on the floor with a blank word doc on your laptop’ kind of day. Except today, there was nothing to do. With a queue of gaming videos edited and ready to post, Phil’s finished video, and a messy script for Dan—it was all good.

After he cleaned up, Dan went to go wash up and take a long, long shower. Might as well waste the morning. Especially if it was standing under scalding hot water and thinking about life’s greatest mysteries. Today he thought about something that never really crossed his mind.

What is love?

“Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more…” Dan sang quietly to himself.

But would he ever fall in love again?

It was weird because he hadn’t thought about this in years. He was happy with the way his life was going now and living with his best friend was everything he could have wanted. But feeling the warmth of another human? Feeling that tight feeling in your chest?

He blanked out and stared down at his feet. The thought scared him because while he didn’t really care about it so much and was perfectly fine living with Phil, he couldn’t help but wonder.

“DAN!”

The bathroom door flew open and Dan screamed shrilly and covered his bits.

“I’m not looking don’t worry!” Phil laughed.

Dan glanced over and saw the door open and Phil poking his head in and covering his eyes.

“I’m showering!” Dan cried out and pressed himself against the wall like that would make the situation any better.

“I hit 4 million subscribers!!” Phil grinned and began to jump and down. He made sure to keep his eyes covered.

“Oh my god, no way.” Dan gasped and turned the shower off, “Took you long enough.”

“Shut up.” Phil giggled.

“Okay, get out so I can finish up and then I can hug you properly.” Dan said and shivered at the cold.

Phil, who couldn’t stop smiling, skipped off. Dan heard him run off and smiled to himself as he stepped out and grabbed a towel.

It was defiantly long overdue with the whole subscribers deal. Dan remembered the day when he surpassed Phil in subscribers and then feeling slightly guilty about it. He kept hoping and waiting for Phil to hit the next million and the day had finally come. They had to do something big for it.

In the lounge, Phil wasted no time and was already dancing. Waving his arms around, shaking his hips—the whole bit. Dan laughed and stood in the doorway watching him.

Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of You’ was playing from Phil’s laptop at full blast and Phil was lip syncing all of it. He slowed his dancing a little when he saw Dan watching, and stuck his tongue out.

“Don’t stop just because I’m here.” Dan crossed his arms across his chest.

“ _Girl, you know I want your love—your love was handmade for somebody like me, come on now, follow my lead…”_ Phil dramatically pointed towards Dan and shook his hips and he sang the next part.

Dan crossed his arms tighter as he awkwardly watched Phil. He didn’t know what to do in this situation. His face was turning pink.

“Come on, Dan! Come here!” Phil called over the music.

“Right, ok.” Dan made a nervous face and slowly began to dance his way towards Phil, who at this point was dancing like his life depended on it.

“ _I'm in love with the shape of you; we push and pull like a magnet do…”_ Phil sang out and glanced over at Dan, who at this moment was trying some kind of careful dance move so his jeans won’t rip.

Phil took Dan’s hand and swung it around with his and tried to coax Dan into moving a little more. Completely flushed, Dan swayed his hips and little and Phil cheered. He dropped Dan’s hand and did the wave with his arms as he pranced around Dan. Slowly getting into it, Dan closed his eyes and raised his hands above his head as he swayed and shook his hips slowly to the music. A little side-step, a turn to the left, and finally moving about much more, Dan opened his eyes and grinned at Phil.

“ _Oh—I—oh—I—oh—I—oh—I_ ” he sang and moved closer to Phil.

“ _I’m in love with your body_ ” Phil made a duck face and furrowed his brows.

“ _Oh—I—oh—I—oh—I—oh—I_ ” Dan chuckled.

Then Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and somehow tried to twirl him around. Dan was much more into it now and followed him by allowing Phil to twirl him around a bit. They were both trying hard to not start laughing at one another.

It was then that Phil pulled Dan in instead of twirling him and wrapped his hand around his waist. Dan’s eyes widened in surprise, but decided to go with it. He still held his other in Dan’s hand and lowered it down a bit. They looked like they were ready to waltz. Dan had flashbacks to awkward school dances as Phil attempted to lead him.

Phil was giggling the entire time and taking wide steps, so Dan was glad this wasn’t serious and stumbled every few steps.

They danced in the small space that they had, with both of them looking in different directions to not make it awkward. However, the song was coming to an end.

The final verse finished and just as the song finished, Phil suddenly leaned Dan back and dipped him. Dan screamed and grabbed at Phil’s shirt. It turned into a nervous laugh as Phil pulled him back up.

“That was fun.” Phil looked at Dan, a little out of breath.

“It was.” Dan said, clearly more out of the breath than Phil. Hair stuck to his sweaty forehead and his cheeks rosy. He hated himself for feeling so out of shape after a little dancing.

They both stood there, Dan with his hands on his hips and Phil trying to catch his breath. Dan was watching Phil and didn’t even realize he was staring right at him.

“You okay...?” Phil smiled and took a step toward Dan.

They were just a few inches apart, but Dan could still smell the coffee and cereal blend from Phil. His heart was pounding and he felt as though his feet were glued to the ground.

“Dan?” Phil whispered and laughed softly.

Immediately Dan snapped out of it, “YEAH. Yeah, I’m good. Go brush your teeth.”

Slowly Phil raised his hand to his mouth, breathed on it, and sniffed, “Yeah, good idea.”

As Phil left the lounge, Dan just stood there. _What the hell was that_? He thought to himself. _What was that tension? What. Was. That?_

His mind went back to those few seconds where they just stood there. Eyes locked, still silence between them except the heavy breathing, and how close they were. It was strange and completely out of nowhere for Dan.

“It’s nothing though.” He said to himself.

Phil’s blue eyes, Phil’s parted lips, Phil’s coffee breath.

Dan felt his heart skip a beat.

“Fuck. No no no no no.”


	2. Chapter 2

Most of the day was spent with Phil doing little dances around the house or happily eating popcorn and watching horror movies. He convinced Dan he didn’t really want to do anything big for his milestone. Just to spend a day with him in peace.

Dan, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. Aside from the fact that he was extremely proud of Phil, he had no idea where these feelings suddenly came from. How one dance managed to change the way he saw his friend. There were many times during the day where he either found himself zoning out or trying to convince himself the feelings weren’t real.

By 5 pm, he came to the conclusion that it was just all the adrenaline and heat in the room that caused it. Nothing else. How everyone looks beautiful when they dance. But his mind kept wandering to how Phil’s hips swayed and the way he smiled at Dan during all of it. It was these little details that he couldn’t get out of his mind no matter how hard he tried.

“Dan?”

Dan glanced over at Phil in confusion.

“You’ve been staring off into the distance for the entire movie and I think you bit some of your fingernails a bit too much,” Phil frowned.

It was then that Dan noticed that the credits of the movie were playing and he had no idea what they watched. He suddenly felt embarrassed that he spent so much time thinking and overthinking the situation. It was going to eat him alive if he didn’t stop.

“Is everything okay?” Phil fully turned himself around to face Dan. He brought his legs up and crossed them, as if ready for a hearty discussion.

There was actual worry and concern in Phil’s eyes and the more Dan looked into them, the more he realized just how stupid all this was.

“Yeah, just me over thinking over nothing,” He laughed nervously.

“For you, nothing usually means something big,” Phil said and tried hard to conceal a smile.

“This time it really is nothing.” Dan pushed and also turned to fully face Phil.

Narrowing his eyes, Phil didn’t look convinced at all. Very slowly he leaned in just a little bit and stared dead into Dan’s eyes. At that moment, Dan’s hands started to grow cold with uneasiness and he pulled his long sleeves over them.

“Daaaan…” Phil sang and tried very hard not to smile.

But Dan stood his ground and didn’t break his eye contact with Phil. For a second he began to notice the mesmerizing blue color of his friend’s eyes. And in that second he felt his face heat up.

“Danny Boy…” Phil said in his terrible American accent.

Dan stifled a laugh and he sat there trying so hard not to start giggling.

After a few minutes of just staring at each other and trying not to laugh, Phil finally spoke.

“What even started this?”

“I-I don’t remember.”

“Wanna go grab dinner?”

“Italian?”

“Oh yes,” Phil clapped and got up from the couch.

Dan sighed with relief that he had managed to avoid talking about it and watched Phil from where he sat. The way Phil moved and the way he turned to Dan and carefully fixed his fringe. The way he gave him a small smile and held his hand out for Dan. It was just something about it that made Dan smile.

In that moment, Dan was too hungry to even start the whole lineup of thoughts. He didn’t even realize that he was just sitting there smiling up at Phil. And even when he took Phil’s hand to get up, his smile didn’t wither away.

“You look really happy suddenly,” Phil pointed it out and Dan just raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

“Just hungry.”

“You seem so all over the place today, Dan Howell.”

“Oh shut up!” Dan laughed and nudged Phil.

Phil playfully kicked him and ran out the room.

While Phil was grabbing their jackets, Dan stood in the lounge and rolled his head back. A small sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes for a second. It was all happening so fast. To Dan, it felt a lot like when he fell in love for the first time. That moment when you’re in middle school and you see someone and you suddenly believe they are the one. And of course, there is the insane train of thought that comes with it all. All these wild thoughts that cause you sleepless nights and daydreaming all day.

This felt very similar to that.       

Except Dan knew Phil for so long. When they first met there was insane tension between them. He remembered back to those first three months where all they did was flirt with each other. They ended up kissing once at a party, but that kiss just broke it all apart. Thankfully, not in a bad way. Instead, they agreed that they would rather become good friends than being a relationship. Back then they were afraid that if they had gotten together there would come a time where it could all go away. From there, they never looked back. Neither of them ever mentioned that time and it was for the best.

However, now that this was happening with Dan, he didn’t know what to do. Dan felt so much confusion because there was no controlling which way his thoughts went. It may be that he was afraid that if he fully fell for Phil, everything would go wrong. Just as they had predicted years back.

“Got our jackets, ready to go?” Phil poked his head into the room.

“Yeah, yeah!” Dan blinked himself out of the deep thoughts.

“Um, that was actually amazing...” Phil sighed happily as they left the little Italian place on the corner.

In the end, they decided to walk around and find something close by. It always seemed like they took the cab everywhere and never really had the chance to walk around and see what was around their area.

“Oh yes. I actually don’t remember how many cheesy breadsticks I ate. Way too many for it to be healthy,” Dan groaned and stretched his arms up into the air.

“What part of that dinner was healthy?” Phil snorted.

“The teeny salad they gave us in the beginning. And then it was just CARBS OVERLOAD!” Dan laughed and carefully turned Phil in the right walking direction.

Phil smiled and threw his head back, “Worth it.”

He slowly inhaled the chilly night air and gave another satisfied sigh. Dan watched him and couldn’t help but smile too.

They made their way down the narrow sidewalks, past the streets with lively traffic and listening to the bustle of London’s night life. From where they walked it seemed as though the world was almost still. They walked past huge intersections and soon the chatter of the city was much quieter. The air was still crisp and small clouds of breath escaped them as they walked. The soft glow of the street lamps around shone on their faces. Everything just seemed so nice at that point.

“Wanna take a detour?” Phil asked as they neared the street with their building.

“Depends on where we would go,” Dan glanced at him.

“You’ll see,” Phil said and grabbed Dan’s hand.

Dan felt his entire face turn red at the sudden gesture but didn’t refuse. It was then that Phil broke out into a run and dragged Dan after him.

“Oh my God, we’re unfit as hell!” Dan huffed as he stumbled after Phil.

But Phil didn’t answer. Only pulled Dan after him as they ran down the street and turned the corner. There was no one around to question where two boys were running to so late at night. They ran so fast that Dan couldn’t even keep track of how many corners they turned or how many streets they passed.

“W-Why are we going so fast?” Dan cried out and felt so out of breath that it was an embarrassment to his well-being.

“The lights might turn off!” Phil called out.

“Lights? What—” Dan began.

They had stopped and stood at the beginning of a narrow street. This wasn’t just any street though. All around, between buildings and crossing overhead were many hanging fairy lights. Of all colors and shapes. The whole place was glowing in a warm light and the ground was washed over with the colors from above. It was most magical thing Dan had ever seen.

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds. There really was no need. Both of them slowly walked forward and looked around in awe.

“Why did you bring me here? I mean, it’s really beautiful, but why?” Dan turned to Phil.

Phil smiled a little, “Something’s been off about you all day. You looked really conflicted with something, so I thought I’d cheer you up! Brought you here because I came here once before by accident.”

Guilt came over Dan as he looked at Phil. Here was Phil trying hard to help, thinking Dan’s situation could have a temporary fix. _I could tell him. This would be such a perfect place to tell him_. Dan thought and searched Phil’s face. _This wouldn’t be a concrete confession though! I’m still not sure if I actually like him that way…_

Strong patience was something Phil had so he waited for Dan to say something while Dan racked his mind for the right words.

“Phil?” Dan started and heard his own voice crack.

_Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it!_ He was screaming to himself in his mind.

“Yeah?” Phil whispered.

“I think—”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos!! There was a bit of a delay for this chapter, but the next update should come a lot faster (and I promise it'll be much longer)! I also decided to change my username and sticking to this one for sure.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and Kudos!! There just might be more cliffhangers in the future though ;D

“I think—” Dan began to speak.

However before another word could leave his mouth, all the fairy lights shut off. He and Phil were plunged into a sudden darkness. A street with no street lamps or any light source whatsoever.

“At least we got to see them…” Phil shook his head, “Oh! And you were about to say something!”

But Dan just stood there wondering if this was a sign from the universe or just a coincidence. Either way, it freaked him out. Right before he was about to change their friendship forever, the lights went out. He slowly reached for Phil’s arm and held on tight.

“Let’s just go home. It was nothing really.”

Phil reached up and gently patted Dan’s hand that was gripping his arm. He assumed it was because Dan was afraid of the dark.

“You sure?”

Dan nodded, but then realized Phil probably couldn’t see him, “Yeah.”

 

The walk back home was all quiet. Phil didn’t mind at all as he sort of lead them both home. Meanwhile, Dan was panicking over the fact that he had almost confessed. Still, he didn’t understand what exactly he was going to say as there was no confession yet. These feelings weren’t concrete and he was still so unsure.

Then why didn’t these thoughts leave his mind?

Even as they entered their building, Dan didn’t let go of Phil’s arm until he realized that walking like this wasn’t comfortable. Especially since their staircase wasn’t that wide.

Once they entered their apartment and into the lounge area, Phil collapsed back into the sofa. He didn’t even bother with his jacket. Just sank into Dan’s sofa crease and closed his eyes for a moment. With a quick motion, he unzipped his jacket. He let out a small sigh and sank deeper into the spot.

Dan stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with himself at that moment. His eyes were on Phil and how his chest rose and sank. How his mouth was parted just a little. How his hair was slightly fluffed because of the wind and how Phil never bothered to pat it down. The heat grew in Dan’s cheeks and he imagined how much he must have been blushing.

“I-I-I’m gonna head to my room!” he stammered.

“Ah, goodnight! In case I don’t see you anymore tonight,” Phil opened one eye and squinted up at Dan.

“Night!” Dan practically squeaked and hurried off to his room.

Slamming the door behind him, he leaned against it and only then realized he was still in his jacket. Though that was the least of his worries. He had ended up checking Phil out again. Without even realizing it too. If he was already blushing so hard from just looking at Phil, what was this then?

“Do I actually like him? In that way…?” Dan whispered to himself and covered his face with his hands.

The question scared him. It was almost stupid.

He walked over to his bed and picked up one of his pillows. And then shoved his face into it and screamed. These were the screams for all the uncertain thoughts in his head and the confession that almost happened. There was no way he was going to keep on like this if he didn’t sort himself out.

Finally lifting his head out from his pillow, after he felt like he had let it all out, Dan sat down on his bed and hugged the pillow tight. Still in his jacket, he fell back into his bed and curled up on his side. Phone out and he was already scrolling through Tumblr, casually liking aesthetic nature photos. After a while, his eyes started to glaze over and he was trying hard to fight the sleep. The phan edits and aesthetic photos of his dashboard began to blur into one as his eyelids grew heavier.

Until he just gave in and his phone slid out his hand.

“Dan! Come here!”

Slowly Dan opened his eyes and noticed he stood in a beautiful green field. The sky was a baby blue with not a single cloud in the sky. The breeze that blew through him was warm and sweet with the smells of summer. The field was vast and Dan glanced around to see the source of the voice calling him.

There was Phil. Standing not too far from Dan and waving him over.

Dan made his way to Phil and let his hands gently brush over the tall grass and flowers around him. He couldn’t help but smile at how beautiful it.

“Hey,” Phil smiled once Dan came over to him.

The two of them sat down and just looked up at the sky. Dan closed his eyes and tilted his head back. He took in a deep breath and very slowly breathed out. This moment right here was so peaceful that he never wanted to leave.

Phil reached out and placed his hand over Dan’s. The gesture was small, but it made Dan’s eyes fly open and turn to Phil. Neither of them said anything. Phil gently rubbed his thumb over Dan’s hand and Dan felt his face grow pink.

Eyes locked, Phil raised his other hand and cupped Dan’s cheek. His fingers gently stroked Dan’s face. And then he began to lean in. Almost as if on command, Dan closed his eyes and waited. He could hear Phil’s breathing and feel the warm breath as Phil got closer. Everything was happening in slow motion as Dan raised his hand and placed it on Phil’s thigh to steady himself.

And then it happened. Phil’s lips barely grazed Dan’s own before his eyes flew open.

There he was in his bed. The room light was still on and he was still curled up in his jacket. Dan was sweating badly and felt like he would explode laying there in all his clothes. Trembling, he sat up and reached a hand up to nervously run a hand through his hair.

“Holy shit.”

He sat there trying to process the dream and remember every single second of it. The last seconds of it were burned in his mind and the scene kept replaying over and over. It felt so real that Dan refused to believe it was a dream. Aside from the gorgeous scenery, every second with Phil felt insanely real. He could almost feel the warmth of Phil in front of him and how Phil’s hand was on his face. How for a split second Phil’s lips were on his. How in that moment he could feel how warm and soft his lips were.

Mind racing with what this dream could possibly mean, Dan got up and quickly changed for bed. _I can’t think about this now. I really can’t_. He thought and shut off his lights. Using his phone’s flashlight, he made his way into bed and closed his eyes. While he did put a pause on all the thoughts about the meanings behind the dream, Phil and his lips didn’t leave his mind.

“Those stupid lips…” Dan mumbled and covered his head with his blanket.

em>What if I didn’t wake up? What if we continued?

 

The next morning Dan shuffled into the kitchen looking horrible. He was barely able to sleep because, in the end, he did end up freaking out over the dream. But it was also a lot of thinking about what it would have been like to continue kissing Phil.

Phil stood in the kitchen with some song playing from his phone. While pouring his bowl of cereal, he attempted to do little dances. A dance to the fridge, a dance to the cupboards, and then immediately stopped when he noticed Dan.

“Oh my god! Morning, Dan!” Phil laughed.

“Morning,” Dan yawned and grabbed himself a bowl.

“You look like you haven’t slept,” Phil frowned. He turned his phone off, tucked it under his armpit and grabbed the cereal and his bowl.

Dan watched Phil walk off into the lounge and quickly got his cereal out to pour, “Bad dream.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Phil called out.

“Nah.”

Once he poured himself a large bowl of milk and cereal, Dan shuffled over to the lounge and plopped down on the sofa. He pulled his legs up and curled up with his bowl. Meanwhile, Phil was balancing his bowl in his lap and shifting through something on the TV. Dan couldn’t help but occasionally glance over at Phil. He found himself staring at Phil’s lips. When Phil bit his lip in concentration, Dan blushed and quickly looked down at his breakfast.

“Okay, are you feeling slice of life or high schoolers saving the world anime?” Phil turned to Dan.

“Slice of life.”

“Hmmm, okay…” Phil nodded and continued to scroll.

They eventually settled for something short that they would probably finish by the end of the week. After a few episodes and a few bowls of cereal (for Phil) later, they went to wash up and get ready to film a collab for Phil’s channel. It was meant to be a long overdue best friend tag, which Phil had been planning for months.

Dan spent most of his shower time zoning out and thinking about the interrupted kiss from his dreams. While brushing his teeth, he thought about the lead up to it. Getting dressed he thought about the field and how Phil looked standing in the middle of it all.

Filming took at least two hours because they kept laughing at small mistakes and there was a lot of silences where they just blanked out and couldn’t figure out what to say. But it took a lot quicker than other videos to shoot. Phil had jumped right into editing once they finished and kept saying he wanted to upload that night. While he was in what he called his ‘Editing Bubble’, Dan brought him drinks and small snacks. Then proceeded to roll around on the gaming room couch and incorrectly sing anime openings. Phil hummed along with him and threw cookies at Dan when he would get too loud.

“Okay, I am done. Actually done.”

Dan looked up from his phone, “Eyyyy!”

“If the wifi’s nice to me, this video should go up in 15 minutes,” Phil rubbed his eyes.

It was only 9 pm, but it felt like a lot more than that.

“You want me to go start dinner?” Dan asked and stretched his arms.

“Just make something from the freezer, don’t bother with anything fancy tonight,” Phil yawned.

Nodding, Dan went down to the kitchen and threw open the freezer. Through the many containers of ice cream, he found a frozen veggie pizza. As the oven preheated, he pulled out his phone and scrolled mindlessly through Twitter.

Just as the oven beeped, Phil called out, “Video is up!”

Dan quickly slid the pizza into the oven, set the timer and pulled up Phil’s video on his phone. The video was hilarious and Dan couldn’t stop smiling. But then he saw it. It was for a few seconds before there was a jump-cut. Phil had been talking and there was Dan just looking at him. Not just looking though. Lovingly glancing at Phil like he was the most beautiful person ever. There was a small smile on his lips and the look in his eyes was soft. And then he sighed through his smile.

Gulping, Dan replayed the small part before he moved on to the rest.

And then it happened again. And again.

Three moments in the video where Dan looked absolutely in love with Phil. In the third moment, Phil had caught Dan staring.

_“What’s wrong?” Phil asked and couldn’t help but giggle back at Dan. He nervously shuffled the question cards in his hands, but never looked away from Dan._

_“Nothing,” Dan laughed quietly and they returned to the next question._

Dan could only imagine what the comment section must have looked like. The phandom already picked on every small moment in their videos. He couldn’t even imagine what they had to say about this. For a moment he thought what they would think if they knew about his whole current situation. There was no way he could give them the satisfaction of knowing about his feelings and dream.

“Hey, did you like the video?” Phil asked and poked his head into the kitchen.

Startled, Dan jumped for a second and slammed his phone down on the counter.

“Y-yeah really did!” Dan said, “Can’t believe you managed to do it all in a day.”

“Honestly! Never again though. Gonna spread out the work next time,” Phil laughed.

There was no way Dan would be able to film and finish an entire video in a day. He admired that Phil had so much motivation to push himself through.

“Gosh, your curls are all over the place today,” Phil suddenly said and reached over for Dan’s hair.

Dan froze as Phil fingers carefully brushed back a few curls. It came out of nowhere and he felt like he was going to explode right there in the kitchen. It was true that Phil was fascinated by Dan’s curls and how he always brushed them back at the most random times, but this time was different. Everything seemed different. He focused on how close Phil’s face was to his. How Phil’s fingers carefully fixed Dan’s hair and grazed his forehead as he drew his hand back.

They locked eyes for a second and Dan’s heart raced. Suddenly all of the confusion and jumble of thoughts flew out the window and he just knew. In that moment, in their small kitchen, he defiantly knew.

He was falling fast for his best friend and there was no stopping these feelings.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay it's been a year and a lot has happened, BUT I am gonna update this regularly again and hope someone is still left to read it! Really sorry about the wait, I'm back for good.

The video they posted that one night blew up. Those moments of Dan staring at Phil a little too long were being over-analyzed and the phandom was more convinced that there was something going on. More than ever.  


Phil didn’t even seem to notice too much and treated it as any other video. Always laughing at the comments and brushing them off. He never minded the idea of ‘phan’ and said it never really hurt anyone. Dan had always been the more guarded one until now. Now he read those comments and felt exposed.  


That very night when Phil had gone to sleep, Dan rewatched the video. He paused at all those awkward moments and cursed under his breath. In one of the looks he gave Phil, he noticed that he ruffled his own hair a little and giggled like he was some lovesick teen.  


“C’mon!” Dan sat up and threw his phone across the bed.  


He sat there in the dark, with the glow of the city outside seeping in through his blinds. How were they going to continue making videos together if he kept doing shit like this? Everything that happened during filming completely flew over Dan’s head. He never watched himself too much or the way he acted. It all just came out naturally.  


Sighing, Dan thought about what to do with his feelings. Phil had been his best friend for years now. What if Dan brought this on and Phil rejected him? What if that rejection made shit awkward and ruined the friendship?  


Knowing he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon, Dan climbed out of bed and made his way out the room and towards the kitchen. He flicked the lights on and squinted around. Made his way to the cupboard, grabbed a mug, and flicked the kettle on to boil some water. He then sunk to the floor and pulled his knees in.  


Fumbling with his phone, he thought for a moment. It was almost 2am, and he doubted anyone would be awake. Unless…  


He called PJ.  


First ring, second ring…  


“Dan? Hello?” a groggy PJ answered the phone.  


“Oh shit, did I wake you?” Dan winced. I mean 2am, cmon, Dan. What are you doing?  


“No, no. I was dozing off reading in bed. I’m good now, what’s up?” PJ yawned and Dan heard the shuffle of sheets against the phone.  


“I have a thing. And I know we don’t normally talk about deep things, but this isn’t that deep. But it’s keeping me awake and—”  


“Dan,” PJ interrupted quickly, “It’s okay, just tell me. Deep or not, who cares.”  


Heart pounding, Dan pressed the phone closer to his ear and cupped it a little as if Phil could hear him. He hoped Phil wouldn’t be getting up to pee any time soon. Or that would be a weird 2am conversation between them.  


“Okay, so recently I’ve been kind of developing feeling for Phil. Like suddenly I saw him differently and we danced in the living room and there was some weird tension, AND THEN I had this dream where we almost kissed. But like falling for your best friend. It either goes bad or not,” Dan whispered just loud enough for PJ to hear. The words had just tumbled out of his mouth.  


PJ laughed, “Oh my god, Dan. First, breathe. I feel like, yeah, saying anything to Phil might make things weird. You’ve been friends for so long. He might just let you down slow and you guys move on. But feelings get messy when the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Your friendship might burn out. That’s like the worst that could happen,”  


“That’s what I’m scared of.” Dan sighed and leaned his head back to hit against the cabinets.  


“But it might also start something. You can either take the grand leap of faith or wait till the feelings die out. Being in love with your best friend is really hard, Dan. Make sure you think about it. Don’t panic. It’s Phil. I’m sure it won’t lead to the worst,” PJ said.  


“I literally started feeling something only recently too,” Dan sighed.  


“If it turns to love, it might get hard.”  


“Definitely falling for him a little,” Dan admitted.  


“You either be spontaneous or not. It comes down to that,” PJ told him.  


“Thanks, man.”  


“Ah no problem. You’ll be okay, I promise. If I have anything else to say I’ll text you. Goodnight?”  


“Goodnight, PJ. Talk to you soon.” Dan smiled a little and hung up.  


He then heard the click of the kettle come to a boil and stood up to make himself a cup of tea. Found one of Phil’s fruity teas and decided to go for that. As he poured the boiling water into the mug, he watched the tea bag sink and explode with a deep red colour. Mesmerized by the way the colour filled the cup, he didn’t even hear Phil leave his bedroom and come to the kitchen.  


“Dan?” Phil entered and sleepily put his glasses on.  


Dan jumped and almost knocked the mug over, “Fuck, oh my god, Phil,”  


Phil yawned and walked over to where Dan was making tea. He glanced over at the mug and nodded. Then grabbed a mug too and reached for the same tea box. The sleepy silence between them was almost familiar. This wasn’t the first time one of them would get up at weird hours at night to make tea. And usually the other would wake up by the kettle sounds and come down. It was usually Dan and his sleepless nights. But at a time like this, Dan felt uneasy. He wondered if Phil had heard any of the phone call.  


While the two stood there waiting for the tea to steep, Phil gently nudged Dan in the shin with his foot.  


“So…” Phil mused aloud.  


Dan hummed back in answer and hugged himself.  


“What’s keeping you up?” Phil said quietly.  


As if speaking any louder would disrupt something. His voice was so soft and sent chills down Dan’s spine.  


“Just thoughts.”  


Phil nodded and watched their tea bags float in their cups. The familiar silence between them was shattering and feeling like something more. Phil sensed that Dan was holding something back. And Dan knew that Phil knew something was up. It was a silence Dan feared. This might become the awkward that he would have to encounter more if he confessed to Phil.  


Dan’s heart was in his throat. Fingers tapping lightly on his arms as he hugged himself a little tighter. Phil glanced over at him.  


“Lounge?” he asked.  


“Yeah!” Dan broke out of his bubble and heard his own voice crack.  


He quickly began to reach for a spoon, but Phil carefully stopped him with a hand to his.  


“I got it, don’t worry,” Phil smiled and began to scoop their tea bags out.  


Dan danced a little on the spot and then decided to just go to the lounge. He plopped down on the couch and pulled his feet in. There was this strange gut feeling brewing inside of him. As if he was going to confess tonight. Not that he would.  


Phil came into the lounge and handed Dan his mug.  


“Okay, I’m just gonna break this weird silence and say that this is my favourite tea ever,” Phil grinned and dramatically sniffed his tea.  


“I can’t drink any other fruit tea but this one. You know me, I love my black tea,” Dan smiled into his cup and took a small sip.  


“Yeah, and you go crazy if the sugar and milk isn’t right!” Phil sat down and stretched his legs out.  


“Hey! One can’t overpower the other! It’s important to me,” Dan laughed and playfully punched Phil in the arm.  


Phil smiled through his next sip. His glasses fogged up from the steaming tea and he shook his head to air them out. Once clear, he looked over at Dan. Dan had been watching him.  


“Dan, what’s up? Listen, I’ve known you long enough to know something is up. You’ve had this panicked look on your face for a while now and I’m worried,” Phil said, “and don’t try to cover it up with some joke or laugh it off. I know you too well.”  


“Okay, I can promise it’s nothing to worry about. I can’t say anything yet,” Dan said and took a long sip of his tea.  


Phil nodded slowly and then reached for his phone. He bit his tongue a little in concentration and Dan watched him carefully.  


“That’s okay. But since we’re both awake, wanna play a game?” Phil smiled and sat up a little straighter.  


Dan laughed and nodded. Phil was always trying to find them some weird game to play when they were bored or just sitting around. Or he turned some mundane chore into a game. In the eyes of Phil Lester, anything can be made fun. Especially quiet moments like this.  


“Okay, it’s just a question-answer thing on this game site I found a while back. I think it’s for like teen girls, but oh well,” Phil said and scrolled to the first question.  


“Totally down,” Dan got comfy and crossed his legs.  


He cradled his mug of tea in his hands and watched Phil. How concentrated Phil was looking at his phone. How his hair was a mess of bed head and weird tufts. How his eyes twinkled whenever he looked up at Dan. How one of his legs bounced up and down. Even how his large hands gripped his of tea for dear life. Dan felt the heat rising in his face.  


“If you could wear any shade of lipstick, what would it be?” Phil asked and glanced up at Dan.  


“Ooh,” Dan tapped his chin and narrowed his eyes at Phil, “A dark red.”  


“Which Taylor Swift album speaks to your soul?”  


“Speak Now, hands down,” Dan didn’t even hesitate and Phil raised an eyebrow.  


Phil ended up asking Dan all kinds of question from weird ‘would you rathers’ or which member of One Direction he had a crush on. Dan then pointed out that this whole thing was probably outdated. Only Phil went on to asking about crop tops and high waisted jeans to Dan’s favourite app. After about fifteen minutes of Phil giggling questions to Dan, Dan asked what the point of this was. Shrugging, Phil went on until Dan asked if he could ever ask Phil anything.  


“Nah, I like seeing you get annoyed more and more,” Phil smiled into his phone.  


“Okay, fine go on,” Dan waved him away.  


Suddenly Phil leaned in a little, “here comes the big one.”  


“Do tell, Lester,” Dan leaned in too and tried hard to keep a straight face.  


“Do you, Howell, like like anyone?” Phil gasped dramatically.  


Almost immediately Dan’s entire face turned beet red. As if on cue.  


Phil’s face lit up like it was Christmas and he leaned back, eyes all wide. Took a long loud sip of his tea and watched Dan’s face very intensively. Those next few seconds of silence felt like do or die for Dan. The gut feeling suddenly grew again.  


“So, Dan… Who is this lucky human?” Phil wiggled his eyebrows.  


Dan focused hard on the dark red tea rippling in his mug and felt the heat start to hurt his palms just a bit. Despite all this time, his tea was still hot and wished it could burn him alive. He knew perfectly well that he didn’t have to say anything. But how much longer would it take until he lost it?  


“I don’t know where to start…” Dan admitted and tried to look somewhere else. He really couldn’t look Phil in the face.  


“Is it someone we know?” Phil asked and scooted a little closer to Dan.  


“Yeah.”  


“Is it…a guy?” Phil asked carefully.  


“Yeah,” Dan gulped.  


Phil grinned at him with so much pride and flapped one of his hands in the air.  


“Is your mystery man taller than you?”  


“Shorter by a little.”  


“Dark hair or light?” Phil asked and began to go through all the guys they knew.  


“Dark.”  


Phil’s eyes suddenly widened, “Is he a youtuber?”  


In that moment Dan felt his stomach drop and every ounce of his being want to just grab Phil’s shoulders and confess. He wanted to just say it and get it over with. He wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe Phil felt the same way. Maybe it wouldn’t go as bad.  


“Yeah, he is,” Dan said.  


“Markiplier?”  


“No, but he is something,” Dan laughed nervously.  


Instead of asking more youtubers, literally anyone, Phil seemed to stop after Markiplier and just observed Dan. He took another sip of his tea and carefully set his mug on the floor. When he glanced up at Dan again, all the intense happiness and giggling was gone. He had a quizzical look to him and stared Dan dead in the eyes.  


“I think I know,” Phil gave a small knowing smile.  


“You don’t,” Dan snorted and frowned at him. There was absolutely no way.  


“I do!”  


“Tell me then,” Dan raised his brows.  


“It’s late,” Phil gave a big yawn. Clearly a fake one.  


He began to stand up and picked his cup of tea off the ground. As he was leaving the lounge, he patted Dan on the head and left the room. Everything had escalated too quickly. Dan had absolutely no fucking clue what just happened.  


“Wait, wait! You actually know?” Dan scrambled off the couch, mug in hand.  


“Honestly, probably not. I had to end it though. It’s getting really late,” Phil called from the hallway.  


“Phil! Wait!” Dan hurried to drop his cup off in the kitchen.  


“Goodnight, Dan!” Phil sang and Dan heard the bedroom door click shut. 

Phil stood in his room, against the door waiting for Dan to go into his. He listened closely and once Dan closed his own door, Phil hurried to his bed. Hands shuffling through his blanket he searched for his phone. Once found he dove under the covers and began to scroll through his contacts. He knew it was late as hell, but there was no one else he knew would be awake at such an ungodly time.  


“Hello? Phil?” PJ answered with a huge yawn.  


“Yes, hi. Sorry to bother you so late,” Phil whispered.  


“What’s up, Phil?” PJ asked and held back another yawn.  


“I have a theory… And it kind of just hit me and I’m not sure if it’s true. But it might be and I want to hear your opinion,” Phil said.  


“I’m listening…”  


Phil felt his palms grow cold, “I think Dan has a crush on me.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE COMMMENTS AND KUDOS <3 It means so so much to me that you guys like it so far!! Here's a chapter with some scandal ;)

PJ made sure to quickly dismiss Phil to not give Dan away. He managed to convince Phil just enough to finally exchange a goodnight. As the clock hit 3am, Phil finally went to bed. Except in the next room Dan lay wide awake.  


He kept wondering if Phil knew if it was him and what would happen now. In fact he kept replaying the entire night in his head. The tea, the weird questionnaire thing, and just Phil sitting across from him giggling. Dan’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of Phil’s soft hearty laugh and the ruffled bed head hair. Just when he tried to dismiss his feelings, they came raging in. Busting down his heart’s doors and making the blush rise in his face.

 

The next few days felt like an eternity for Dan. Since he and Phil spent so much time together, there really was no escaping anything. Even when he decided to go for a walk, he saw a lady walking a cute dog and sent Phil a pic of it. Or how he always made sure to get Phil a Starbucks drink whenever he got something for himself. It was habit. A comfortable habit.  


When Dan was taking a nap in the lounge, he woke up to a text from Phil. It was a coconut emoji. Dan sent him a pineapple and they spent the next hour in some food emoji war. Little things like this made Dan appreciate Phil so much more. All their little quirks and habits meant so much Dan.  


On Thursday, the two of them got texts from PJ inviting them to a party. It was weird because PJ hadn’t thrown a house party since 2013 and most of the people they all knew had moved away or just didn’t have the time.  


Right after Dan got a text from PJ saying _Make a move, Howell._  


Dan just wrote back _Fuck you, Liguori_  


_;) <3 _PJ wrote and Dan inhaled sharply.  


So this was what the party was for. He really should’ve known. PJ did not just throw parties. After 2013, they just attended events together and the whole house party idea was put to rest. But then Dan remembered what happened in 2012. The ugly year that set him and Phil apart for a while. The phandom had been on it for years now and there were countless theories circling.  


But the cause? It was one fateful kiss. At one of PJ’s house parties. After a ton of drinks, the two ended up bringing up feelings and one of them leaned in for a kiss and the other just went for it. The night was pretty hazy. But Dan remembered that that kiss broke their friendship in half that year. After someone caught them making out in the corner, it all went down. Suddenly people wanted to out them. Wanted to expose them for views. Nasty youtubers who would have done anything for the scoop that Dan and Phil were together. Of course no one spoke out after confrontation and Dan and Phil had to stay apart for a while to prove they weren’t anything.  


It was the reason they stopped attending youtuber house parties. But that was 2012. Times had really changed since then, and Dan knew it.  


That night was never brought up again and to this day it’s unclear who kissed who first.  


And now they were about to attend another house party, both silently wishing there would be less youtubers there and more of PJ’s school friends.  


The night of the party, Dan stood in the lounge with two shirts laid out on the couch. He also had a couple of sweaters in a bundle off to the side.  


Phil walked in wearing a button up with polka dots and black jeans. He decided to wear contacts and not bother with glasses.  


“I say go with a simple black shirt and one of your baggy sweaters,” Phil advised and came to stand next to Dan.  


“You think?” Dan picked up the black shirt and held it up against himself.  


“Yeah, I think you look pretty cool in that combo,” Phil smiled and left to the kitchen.  


Dan’s face turned red and he nodded to himself.

 

There was something nostalgic about the two of them standing on the tube with Phil holding a six pack of beer in one hand and holding onto Dan’s arm so he didn’t topple over. And even though they went to PJ’s house often enough, it felt weird this time.  


At the door they both heard loud music and someone singing really badly. Before either of them knocked on the door, it flew open and PJ stood there with a huge smile.  


“Hey guys!” he moved aside to let them in, “Good news, you won’t know anyone at this party! Maybe like one other guy, but he’s pretty damn drunk to know anything at the moment so… Hope that’s okay?”  


Both Dan and Phil let out a sigh of relief and didn’t even think about PJ being drunk as hell. Already.  


“Yeah, that sounds good!” Phil said he handed PJ the pack of beer.  


They dropped their coats off at the entrance and walked on through. The place was packed with people talking, laughing, and a group over at the karaoke machine singing Britney Spears. As the two made their way through, they got approached by people who didn’t know them. Asking for their names and what they did for jobs. Where were they from? How did they know PJ?  


“Weird isn’t it?” Phil chuckled as he and Dan walked into the kitchen.  


“The fact that no one knows us? It’s actually amazing,” Dan grabbed one of the blue shots on counter and handed a green one to Phil.  


“Cheers to finally attending a social event!” Phil held up his shot.  


Dan laughed, “Cheers to hopefully not throwing up!”  


“Listen, I may be known as the innocent one on youtube, but I did keg stands in uni. I can handle my alcohol,” Phil downed his shot and reached for a red one.  


“HA. Innocent? Philip Michael Lester, you’re killing me,” Dan followed his lead and reached for a second one too.  


They stood in that kitchen a while talking about their university days, where Phil attended more parties than he could count and Dan talked about the one party he went to. They didn’t even keep track of how many shots they kept grabbing. At some point Phil mumbled out that he took only five shots and bragging about being completely sober. He was far from that. Dan, on the other hand, was reaching for a fifth one and only then realized he wasn’t even talking to Phil anymore.  


Some guy with black hair was talking to him about his office scandals. Dan just pushed him aside and sauntered out of the kitchen trying to just focus on walking forward. He was still able to see everything just fine. His mind was slightly going off and he knew that real soon that fifth shot was gonna hit real soon.  


Where was Phil?  


“Where is my Philly? Where is my love?” he muttered to himself and felt his knees buckle.  


He walked down the hallway and bumped into some woman.  


“Hey, you looking for someone?” she asked him and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him.  


“I’m looking for love… Phil won’t ever loveme,” Dan slurred, “I want to feel love tonight. I’d kiss a stranger to feel…love.”  


The music was blaring much too loud for the woman to hear half of that.  


“Hey, you look like you’ve had too much. Maybe go upstairs and lie down for a bit,” she told him and directed him towards the stairs.  


“Thank you, missus…” Dan stumbled up the stairs and once he reached the second landing of the apartment, he patted the carpet for stable grounding.  


He blinked through the dim lighting and walked towards one of the doors. He pushed it open and was met with a dark room. Stepping in, he closed the door behind him and sat down on the floor.  


“Hello?” a husky voice asked into the room.  


Dan jumped, “Oh God, hey.”  


His eyes adjusted a little to the darkness and he saw some other guy sitting a few feet away.  


“What are you here for?” Dan asked.  


“Looking for my best friend,” the guy said and hiccupped.  


“Yeah, me too,” Dan sighed and leaned his head back against the door.  


They sat there and the guy started to hum some song to fill the silence in the room.  


“I wanted to kiss a stranger tonight,” Dan suddenly said.  


“Why?” the guy peered in Dan’s direction, trying to make out his silhouette.  


“Because I want to feel something tonight. I want to escape my feelings and just kiss someone and forget about it tomorrow…” Dan said.  


“Ahhh that would be fun…” the guy laughed.  


“Idea!” Dan sat up a little straighter. He immediately regretted the quick head movement as the aching began.  


“Tell me,” the guy said.  


There was something so familiar about the guy’s voice. Dan had realized that. It was a lot huskier than anyone he knew, but it rang something in his mind. He racked his brain for the people he talked to tonight, but couldn’t remember. His idea was there though.  


“Do you wanna kiss? We could be the strangers who kiss tonight and never see each other again. I’m some guy and you’re some guy… You know? Up to you, stranger,” Dan said into the room.  


His heart beat fast a little faster.  


“This reminds me of those things… the things people did in uni. Kissing strangers was magical,” the guy laughed. He sounded just as drunk as Dan. If not a lot worse.  


“You sound familiar…” Dan told him as the guy carefully crawled over.  


“You do too… Weird, I don’t know many people here…” the guy said, “May I?”  


Dan nodded and laughed when he realized the guy couldn’t see him, “Yeah.”  


Very gently the guy reached out and took Dan’s hand. Dan squeezed it tight and as if on cue they both leaned in. The guy’s lips brushed over Dan’s own and Dan reached out to put his hand on the nape of the guy’s neck. He pulled him into a soft kiss and they both lingered in the moment. The gentle kiss made Dan’s heart pound and in this moment he just craved something like this.  


Dan slowly pulled away and their lips stayed just barely apart. He breathed out onto the guy’s lips before leaning in for a deeper kiss. To balance himself the guy hesitantly placed a hand on Dan’s thigh and Dan placed a hand over his.  


The guy’s lips were soft but chapped. Just a bit sweet along with the tang of alcohol. He kissed Dan back, tilting his head just a little. Moved both hands up to Dan’s face and one hand travelled up through Dan’s hair. His hands were warm and Dan sank into his kiss.  


“I wish I knew who you were,” the guy pulled away just a bit. His long finger played with Dan’s curls.  


“We’re magical strangers at midnight,” Dan whispered and carefully reached up and took the guy’s hands into his.  


Dan kissed him, grazing his own lips over his, teasing him just a bit. Then gave him kiss good enough to remember him. Parting his mouth to his and feeling the sigh that escaped the guy.  


“Don’t forget meee,” Dan sang drunkenly to the guy in a whisper. As if speaking loudly would shatter the moment.  


“I won’t,” the guy said back and leaned in one last time to kiss Dan on the cheek, “I’m gonna leave the room now. Let this magical moment stay in this room.”  


“Sounds good,” Dan smiled and the guy got up.  


As he was getting up they held hands just for a bit, before they let go. The darkness of the room along with how drunk either of them were didn’t allow them to see each other’s faces. No matter how hard they concentrated.  


Dan watched as the door opened a bit, and his mystery stranger stepped out. Not looking back, the stranger closed the door. Sighing happily, Dan just lay down on the carpet where he sat. _Imagine kissing Phil like that someday. Mmmmm…_  


And with that he passed out.

 

The morning sun filled the room almost angrily and Dan groaned as his face got hit with way too much light. His head was pounding and his whole body was absolutely numb from sleeping on the floor. Sitting up slowly, he had blink a few times to orientate himself. It was PJ’s office.  


As if his body was made of fragile glass, Dan took a while to stand up. He staggered to the door and rubbed his forehead with a frustrated sigh.  


“What happened last night…?”  


He knew that eventually it would come to him. But for now it was his job to find Phil and go home.  


Down the stairs he went, stepping over two drunk women. In the lounge area, people were passed out on the couches and floor. Some were sitting there on their phones and others getting up and looking for their things. There was a sleepy stillness over the room. No one really spoke, only nodded their hellos at Dan.  


In the kitchen Dan found PJ sitting on the countertop eating peanuts.  


“Morning,” Dan yawned, “Cool party.”  


“Yeah, head’s buzzing like hell though,” PJ said, “Phil’s under the table by the way.”  


Dan looked over to where PJ pointed and saw Phil curled up into a ball under the kitchen table. Clutching a box of cookies and sound asleep.  


“Phiiiil,” Dan crouched down and lightly punched him in the arm, “C’mon home time.”  


“Mmmmmmmm, go away, mom….” Phil grumbled and held the cookie box tighter.  


“Dan. It’s Dan,” Dan laughed and prodded him again.  


A very hungover Phil then opened his eyes just a bit and glanced up at Dan’s face looking down at him. He groaned and began to sit up. Dan put a hand on his head so he didn’t hit the table when crawling out.  


“Morning, Lester,” PJ called out.  


“Morning,” Phil got to his feet and stood up with the help of Dan.  


They left with Phil taking the cookies with him and the both of them holding onto each other as they made their way to the main road to hail a cab. They figured the tube would be too much for their hungover selves. The bumpy cab ride didn’t do much justice either, but it was better than standing in a rocking train with forty other people. Phil fell asleep in the cab and Dan let him lean into him.  


At home, they held onto each other as they climbed up the stairs to their apartment. Laughing at their clumsiness and tripping every few steps.  


Once the coats were off, Phil went to collapse on the couch in the lounge and Dan went to get them some water. He heard Phil ripping open the cookie box and then loud crinkling of plastic wrapping.  


Smiling a little to himself, he got two glasses of water and went to sit on the couch with Phil. Who in this moment was stuffing three cookies into his mouth. Dan handed him a glass.  


“That was some night. I seriously don’t remember much after a bunch of those colourful shots,” Dan glanced over at Phil, “hey it’s like those stupid syrups you ordered online to try with shots!”  


Phil chewed quickly through his mouthful and took a long swig of water, “I remember one thing.”  


“Anything scandalous?” Dan joked.  


“Pretty scandalous,” Phil grinned.  


“What has our oh-so innocent Phil done now?” Dan teased and took the cookie box for himself.  


Phil paused for dramatic effect and then did a little drumroll on his lap, “I got to kiss a stranger at midnight! Upstairs in the dark! It’s only kind of coming back to me now.”


	6. Chapter 6

Clearly the night before had not come back to Dan yet. He sat there in shock and a pang of growing jealously was blooming in his chest. He knew whatever story Phil was going to tell him would break his heart.  


“Ah, damn that’s a lot,” Dan laughed nervously, “Tell me about it.”  


Phil told Dan everything that happened with a few bits missing due to his drunken state the night before. And as Phil told it, Dan wanted to punch this guy. Someone got to kiss Phil last night and it wasn’t him. In PJ’s small place, Phil managed to end up in a dark room with a guy.  


“What do you think he looked like?” Dan asked and put the cookie box on the ground. He clasped his hands together.  


“He had short hair, kinda wavy… Really soft skin… Lips were soft, but a bit chapped? I think?” Phil concentrated hard.  


Dan felt his palms start to sweat. He kept picturing some guy all over Phil. Even if they didn’t even do much. But he tried to remember where the hell he was during all this. Where the hell—  


A chill ran through Dan. He woke up in PJ’s office. Phil made out with some guy in PJ’s office. His body froze and suddenly everything came flooding in all at once. He was the guy who kissed Phil. He was the magical stranger. The scene was coming to him now. His mind kept replaying it, now much clearer in Dan’s head. HE had kissed Phil. The memory of their lips touching. The memory of Phil’s hands holding his. How Phil ran his hands through Dan’s hair.  


In that moment Dan thought his chest would explode. His heart was pounding fast, pulling out all stops for the incoming panic attack.  


“Dan…?” Phil hissed.  


Dan blinked a couple of times to snap back into it. He didn’t realize that he had completely zoned out.  


“Yeah, yeah!” he glanced at Phil.  


“You good? You suddenly froze up and looked really scared,” Phil said with concern.  


There was no way he could tell Phil that the mystery guy was him. If he did, it would be 2012 all over again. But then they were much more mature now. _Phil does not like you in that way. He would rather be kissing ‘strangers’ at parties._ Dan thought. _But then so did you._  


“I’m just remembering last night…” Dan rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes for a few seconds.  


“Maybe I could ask PJ about my mystery guy,” Phil sighed and sank back into the couch.  


“PJ wouldn’t give anyone away,” Dan snorted.  


“It’s going to kill me… I want to know!” Phil grabbed Dan’s arm and shook him a little.  


Slowly opening his eyes again Dan glanced over at Phil. Soft blue stared him back. He felt like he could sink in those eyes. His eyes darted to Phil’s lips. _I kissed those last night._ He inhaled sharply. Heart pounding, leg bouncing up and down, the situation was now becoming clear to him. It was truly hitting him and he was fully realizing that he kissed Phil multiple times last night.  


“I know who the guy is,” Dan blurted out. _Shut up, oh my god!_  


Phil’s face lit up like Christmas day. He leaned over to excitedly pat Dan’s knee.  


“Tell me! Tell me!”  


_Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. It will kill you and him._ Dan’s thoughts raced.  


“I can’t tell you yet,” Dan shook his head.  


“Dan! Why?” Phil asked and suddenly stood up.  


“Can you wait for the answer?” Dan stood up as well. He had no idea what they were even doing.  


“I’m so confused, but okay?” Phil said and narrowed his eyes.  


They stood in that lounge eyeing each other down. Dan not knowing where this was going and his palms were sweating way too much. Phil was keeping back a laugh because they just stood there with the weirdest energy between them.  


“Do you want to meet your guy?” Dan suddenly said in almost a whisper. His throat was closing up.  


“Maybe? But at the same time I want to keep it a secret,” Phil said and stifled back a small laugh. But then his expression changed and he took a step back.  


“How do you even know my guy? I left the room and he stayed there….” Phil trailed off and his face got all serious.  


“Well, um,” Dan realized he fucked up, “Uh, ha, well at some point I got pretty tired… And I went upstairs to lie down… And I went into one of the doors upstairs and found a guy in one of them.”  


“Okay, and then what?” Phil crossed his arms, not really buying it.  


“He was all awkward and his face all red and I asked if he was okay and he was just really drunk and mentioned kissing someone… SOOO, I’m assuming that was him,” Dan stuttered out.  


“And you knew him? We didn’t really know anyone at that party. Except like one or two people,” Phil said.  


“Yeah, I could point him out,” Dan said. He was about to say some bullshit about knowing a name too and overhearing it from PJ or something. But Phil wouldn’t fall for something like that.  


Phil began to think and looked around the room as he did. Gradually, he began to pace around the lounge. Arms still crossed at his chest and hands tugging at his shirt sleeves.  


“It would be pretty cool to meet him again. In the dark again. Ooh! Phil meets magical stranger… PART 2!” Phil turned to Dan with a huge smile.  


“Okay, maybe don’t call it that… But yeah that would be pretty cool,” Dan chuckled nervously.  


His heart was beginning to beat just a little faster at the thought of him and Phil alone in a dark room again. Hopefully not as hammered as last time, so he would be able to remember every detail. But then he realized something. If not for the alcohol, Phil would have recognized him almost instantly. And this time around Phil would probably recognize him instantly. Plus, it’s not like anyone would throw another party.  


“We should throw a party!” Phil gasped as if reading Dan’s mind.  


“We should?” Dan winced a little.  


“Yeah! Invite all of PJ’s friends with PJ and you could point out the stranger and tell him to meet me in my room or something,” Phil said and clapped his hands excitedly.  


Dan sighed, “First of all, you do realize that he might not want to meet you and think this is creepy. And then we don’t throw parties, Phil. We throw small get-togethers with close friends, order pizza, and play Mario Kart.”  


Dan hoped Phil would agree and dismiss the whole thing. He had such a bad feeling about this entire thing. If one thing went wrong, he would be found out and everything will be over. As much as he had wanted Phil to know, he treasured their friendship more. And Phil was here believing it was some really cool guy. It made Dan feel a little jealous in some weird way. Even though the guy was him.  


“I know, but just this once! Please, Dan?” Phil gave him puppy eyes.  


“What if you find out who the guy is?” Dan asked.  


Phil shrugged, “You don’t even know his name, so he’d be some new guy to get to know.”  


“Like date?”  


“I don’t know… No, no. He’ll just stay as that one guy. Magical stranger party guy,” Phil laughed.  


This was going to come apart so damn fast and Dan knew it. This wasn’t some anime where things went perfectly and Dan’s feelings were accepted with some grand gesture. If Phil found out it was him, how would he even react? But it would seem too suspicious to say no to this. Right?  


He thought about playing the whole ‘we don’t do parties’ card again, but Phil seemed so set on this. He was Phil Lester. He didn’t back down from things.  


“Okay, then it’s your job to get PJ to round up all those people and plan this. I’ll work on what to order for food and then I guess we’ll go buy drinks tomorrow,” Dan told him and Phil immediately whipped out his phone.  


“Oh my god, okay, yay!” Phil ran out the room, already dialling PJ’s number.  


Dan just shook his head and flopped back down on the couch. He wished the couch cushions would swallow him up as he sank into them.

 

Somehow Dan found himself wearing nice clothes again and saying hello to all these people who he met once before. Two days later and PJ brought in all his friends. They filled up the lounge and kitchen area, with a few standing in the hallway. Dan hated this because this meant interacting with people. This meant being social. He stood awkwardly in the kitchen, opening up a second beer and taking a huge gulp.  


“Dan! Come to the lounge! We’re adding weird syrups to shots,” Phil poked his head into the kitchen.  


Dan was so thankful they decided to hold the glass kitchen door open with a pair of shoes. Drunk people and that door did not go together. He gave a nod in Phil’s direction and followed him out of the kitchen. People patted him on the back as he walked on through and he gingerly shrugged them off. He didn’t want to be here.  


The lounge was packed with people swarming around their dining room table, which was filled with drinks and food. Phil was holding up a glass of some weird concoction he created and was downing it now. Music was playing from someone’s phone connected to the speaker on the fireplace.  


Suddenly “Shape of You” came on and Phil was first to scream.  


“DAN! It’s our song!”  


Immediate flashbacks to that one morning in the lounge. It was the start of it all. How Dan found himself falling for Phil. Phil had pulled him in to dance for his 4 million milestone. But here they were now. Phil was drunk and Dan was getting there.  


Waving at Dan excitedly, Phil set his drink down and began to slowly dance towards the middle of the room. Rolling his eyes dramatically with a shy smile, Dan put his beer down on the table and made his way to Phil.  


Phil took Dan’s hand into his and squeezed it tight. He began to sway to the song, shaking his hips and clearly not caring. He twirled Dan around and placed a confident hand on Dan’s waist. Phil threw his back laughing and began to pull Dan into some weird drunken waltz. Dan followed along and couldn’t help but smile at how ridiculous they must have looked.  


Once Phil’s hand slipped off his waist, Dan still stayed close. Dancing close to Phil with their hips brushing ever so slightly. Phil didn’t seem to mind and danced just as close. He made eye contact with Dan a couple of times while mouthing the song to him. It made Dan’s heart soar. He just followed Phil’s lead, dancing closer to him and singing the song back. A lot of the drunken group had joined them in dance and Dan felt the beers hitting him more and more.  


The song was coming to an end, and Phil was now holding both of Dan’s hands. He was swinging them back and forth singing the song much louder and pulling Dan around with him. Phil’s face was flushed a deep pink with his hair pushed back. Turning red himself, Dan watched him with absolute love.  


Once the song came to an end, everyone cheered and the dancing died down a bit. Phil stopped and glanced at Dan with a huge grin and a dribble of sweat running down the side of his face. The moment made Dan feel like he was in some cheesy rom com. Their eyes locked, Phil held his gaze and stood there trying to catch his breath. The room spun around them and Dan wished he could do that again. He felt the adrenaline coursing through him.  


It made him want to confess. He wanted Phil to accept him so bad. He just wished they were together. So that he could just lean in and kiss Phil right here. Spend the party with _his boyfriend._  


“Nice dancing, we should do that again sometime,” Phil finally said and broke the moment.  


“Y-yeah! Totally,” Dan smiled and patted his cheeks. They were hot to the touch.  


“BUT ANYWAY. I think I’m ready for the whole magical stranger thing,” Phil immediately changed the subject and gestured for Dan to follow him to the table.  


Having to blink a few times, Dan went after him still not over the dancing. He wished they could just live in that moment for a few more seconds before moving onto the next.  


Phil grabbed his drink and took a nervous sip, “I’m gonna go into my room and wait in the dark. As creepy as that sounds. Are you sure you talked with this guy already?”  


“I did. He’s down to meet you again. But only in the dark,” Dan said with a forced smile.  


“Okay, great! Text me if anything goes wrong or if he backs down!” Phil said and hurried out of the lounge.  


Dan followed him just to the hallway and once Phil disappeared into his room, he felt the panic rising in his chest. Suddenly the high he felt from dancing with Phil was gone. Everything was moving fast.  


Taking a deep breath, Dan ruffled his hair, counted to ten, and made his way to Phil’s room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter, but the next should be a long one! Again, thank you so much for reading! <3

Dan approached Phil’s door with a sense of dread and some curiosity. A strange curiosity because his crush was sitting in that room right now. And this time around he knew exactly who it was. He almost felt bad for Phil who actually thought some mysterious confident stranger was going to walk in. But this wasn’t the time to reveal anything. Lowering his voice just a bit would help this time around. However if Phil decided to ask for his number or something, he would be screwed.  


In this moment Dan was drunk enough to know he wanted to kiss Phil, but still aware enough that he was drunk. But Phil? He had no idea.  


Very carefully he turned the knob to the room and stepped inside the darkness. Closing the door behind him he heard rustling. And his own heart about to pop out of his chest.  


“Hey,” Phil said into the room.  


“H-hey to you,” Dan said remembering to adjust his voice just a bit.  


He lowered himself to the floor and crawled forward. Feeling his hands against the carpeted floor. Phil seemed to be doing the same thing and they knocked heads at some point.  


“Shit,” Dan cursed under his breath and Phil laughed a little.  


Dan sat back and crossed his legs, keeping his hands on the ground. He was trying so hard to keep stable. Being drunk didn’t help at all but his feelings were making everything worse. Face was hot and he was thankful for the dark room. Hands were sweating and he wished the room was cooler. But nothing could stop the beating of his heart and his mind acting like some broken switch, turning on and off every few seconds. His beers were doing no justice to any of it.  


“Do you remember me from last time?” Phil suddenly asked and reached out to place a gentle hand on Dan’s knee, which had been bouncing up and down.  


“I do…” Dan said and leaned in just a bit.  


“You seem nervous,” Phil tapped his finger on his knee.  


“I mean, I guess I’m less drunk and more aware? Feels like something middle school kids would be scared of,” Dan chuckled.  


A soft nervous laugh came from Phil and he let his hand fall from Dan’s knee.  


“Y-you were a good k-kisser though,” Dan managed to say and really didn’t know how to break the ice.  


“Oh yeah?” Phil whispered and leaned in just a bit. _Damn you, Lester for sounding so cocky,_ Dan thought.  


“Yeah,” Dan replied in a hushed voice. He leaned in too and he felt Phil’s breath just inches from his face.  


“You gonna kiss me?” a drunk Phil challenged him.  


“Maybe,” Dan’s voice shook as Phil leaned just a bit more.  


Foreheads touched and noses brushed. Lip were just seconds away from a kiss. But there was so much stopping Dan from just leaning in a bit more and allowing their lips to meet. Part of him was thinking about how this was a dream come true. He was going to kiss Phil again and this time actually knowing what was going to happen.  


But Phil didn’t know it was him. What kind of guy was Phil currently picturing in his head? Certainly not Dan. His moral side: the slightly sober side, was telling him no. Go for it, but not like this. He wanted Phil to know it was him. He wanted this to happen with Phil accepting his feelings.  


“I can’t,” Dan finally said.  


Leaning away just a bit, Phil reached out to find Dan’s hands. He held them in his.  


“Is everything okay?” he asked. His voice was slick with concern for Dan.  


“Yeah, everything’s okay. I just can’t do this for my own reasons.”  


“Are you dating someone else…?” Phil asked now sounding very scared.  


“No, no! Definitely not,” Dan exclaimed and leaned further away from Phil.  


A moment of silence and Phil let go of Dan’s hands.  


“Do you actually know who I am?” he asked very quietly.  


“What do you mean?” Dan felt his heart in his throat.  


“Like did you find out I’m a youtuber and this is scaring you a bit?”  


It was Dan’s turn to reach out and find Phil’s hands. He took one in his and stroked his thumb over his palm, “Trust me, it’s not that.”  


A silence still as ever filled the room and Dan had no idea where to go from here. No idea what to tell Phil and no idea how to get out of this situation. He came in here ready to kiss Phil again. Ready for something. But it was also breaking him more than he had imagined.  


“I do know who you are. But not like that,” Dan whispered.  


Phil raised his head up to the dark ceiling as if the answer was there. Through the harsh darkness, Dan watched his silhouette move.  


“Have we actually met before?” Phil finally asked.  


“Yeah,” Dan gulped and squeezed Phil’s hands.  


“Interesting,” Phil laughed nervously.  


Another sharp silence came between them and Dan almost heard his breathing in his ears. Their only connection was the hand holding. Not a single word for what seemed like ages. Fingers carefully loosened and then Phil repositioned his so their hands comfortably intertwined.  


“I have a best friend, who will definitely want to hear about this moment later,” Phil then said.  


A feeling of guilt grew in Dan’s heart. It was sharp and made him want to escape _now._  


“S-so what will you say…?” he asked delicately.  


“That it was kinda cute. I don’t know,” Phil snorted and shook his head.  


Loud voices began outside in the hallway. Following was laughter and a loud bang of someone hitting the hallway wall. Phil tutted in concern.  


But then suddenly there was a bang on the door and before either of them could move or respond, the door to Phil’s room flew open. One of the people patted the wall for a switch and when the room flooded with light, Dan froze in fear.  


Phil saw that Dan was sitting in front of him and his eyes widened. He dropped their hands and scooted back as fast as he could, falling over in the process. His hands were shaking and he kept trying to scramble to his feet.  


“ _DAN?!_ ” he exclaimed in a hoarse voice.  


The couple that had opened the door were already out laughing drunk in the hallway, unaware of what they had done.  


Dan hadn’t moved from where he sat on the floor. The room was stuck in time and so was Phil. On his feet finally, Phil was holding onto his bed post. His face was going through reels of emotions, all unreadable but nothing good. A shaking hand reached up to grasp his hair as he stared at Dan.  


“We… W-we… kissed…?” Phil managed to finally speak, his voice high-pitch. It was clear he was taking a while to process this, but also try not to believe it was true.  


There was nothing that Dan could’ve said in the moment to make it better. Nothing would’ve stopped this moment from going on. What scared Dan the most was Phil’s reaction and not knowing what the hell would happen from this point.  


“Dan…? Dan, please say something?” Phil stepped forward and kept trying to make sense of the situation. But he was still drunk and it was getting to be really hard.  


The room was spinning and Dan prayed and hoped everything would stop then and there. Panic and was rising and he wished he could go back in time. Tell Phil it was him. Deal with it and move on. But even telling him then. How would that have gone?  


“We can’t do this again,” Phil griped the bed post tight, “I don’t know how I feel about this…”  


Eyes suddenly filling up with hot tears, Dan couldn’t even wipe them away.  


“I’m really sorry,” he stared Phil dead in the eyes, “I realized it was me and didn’t tell you.”  


“Dan…” Phil squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead in frustration, “listen. I can’t think straight now. But I thought… I thought you were someone else. You were the last person I thought it could be…”  


“Phil, I’m sorry… I didn’t realize it was you until the morning…” Dan was now crying with snot dribbling out of his nose.  


“Dan, please don’t cry. Oh my god, please,” Phil quickly grabbed tissues from his bedside and leaned down to hand them to blubbering Dan.  


The moment was strange and heated. Both drunk. But both sober enough to understand the severity of the whole thing. Phil was confused and couldn’t place the right feelings and thoughts in his mind. He was trying to stay calm and seeing Dan cry made him feel bad.  


Dan was freaking out. Wanting to blame himself for it all and just crawl into a dark hole. He didn’t know what to do. He just knew that when he got drunk, and if he got upset there were always waterworks.  


“We can just move past this… Pretend it never happened? Right?” Phil then said and watched Dan wiping his face.  


Dan nodded.  


“WAIT. You didn’t want to kiss me tonight… Was it because you knew this time?” Phil gasped.  


“Yeah…”  


“I mean at least you stopped us, ah that would have been worse,” Phil laughed nervously and held his head as a headache came on.  


“I can’t move on,” Dan suddenly said.  


“Why?” Phil asked.  


Every part of drunk Dan was screaming to do it. But then his moral side that stopped the kissing tonight was crying out for the opposite. The situation was already bad. This was nothing compared to the talk they would have tomorrow when completely sober. Tomorrow, Phil was going to freak out even more.  


“Because I have feelings for you,” Dan blurted out.


	8. Chapter 8

Phil leaned back and inhaled loudly. He shook his head, exhaled slow, and refused to look at Dan for a second.  


“No you don’t. You can’t…” he said and his eyes darted around the room as if searching for an answer.  


Dan felt an ugly plummeting feeling begin in his chest. It was the start to a panic attack. He knew Phil never took big news well. Big news that wasn’t good on his part. He got angry in his own ways, but never lashed out at anyone. Never shouted or broke down in person. But what went on in his mind? Dan could only imagine since Phil kept his shit together somehow.  


Except now emotions were flashing through Phil’s face and he was trying so hard to put his thoughts together. Being drunk was probably making it so much worse.  


“You don’t have to accept it. I don’t expect you to. I just thought I’d tell you,” Dan told him and tried to catch his eyes and lock some kind of stare with him.  


“Dan,” Phil began and itched his hands, “we’re just friends. We’ve been this way for years… 2012 nearly killed our friendship and we spent so long building it up. I-I don’t feel the same way, you have to understand that. But like the kiss and this whole dark thing… Dan, I don’t know.”  


Guilt began to crawl into Dan’s mind and he felt it throughout his body. He felt his hands grow numb and his shoulders tense. His legs weak and vision swam. Immediately he began to regret this and wanted to take it back. Watching Phil struggle with the confession hurt him so much than not telling him.  


“We don’t have to talk about it now. Not ever if you want,” his voice wavered a little.  


“When did you know?” Phil asked him without thinking.  


“When? Oh, uh, the dancing in the lounge? When you hit four million subs,”  


Phil closed his eyes and pressed his palms onto his eyelids, “That’s not long ago.”  


Phil walked to the door and stood there for a second. Dan watched him waiting for some kind of verdict. Sighing, Phil’s hands fell to his sides and he glanced down at Dan. Eyes were tired and a little bloodshot.  


“Dan, I know you can’t just turn off feelings. You can’t stop how you feel. But I don’t feel that kind of attraction to you… I felt something during the kiss, because I didn’t know it was you. But now, it changes everything and Dan, I don’t know. I can’t get mad at you because it’s not your fault…” Phil began to tear up and Dan was taken aback by the sudden tears.  


Jumping to his feet, he approached Phil and stood just feet away from him. He was about to give him a hug, but dear lord that probably wasn’t the best thing right now.  


“Fuck, Dan. I really can’t deal with this right now,” Phil began to cry harder and Dan flinched a little at the sharpness in Phil’s voice. Clear distress and confused anger.  


He didn’t say anything else or allow Dan to speak and walked out of the room.  


“Wait! Please, wait,” Dan stumbled forward and reached out to grab Phil’s hand.  


“Do you know how much this is?” Phil turned to shake his hand out of Dan’s grip, “To know your best friend is in love with you and you have nothing to return? No feelings? Knowing that this changes everything?”  


“I’m really sorry,” Dan said, “I really am. But I had to say something, Phil. It wouldn’t be fair,”  


“It’s not your fault.” Phil shook his head and reached up to dry his tears, “I can’t process this anymore right now though. We have an apartment full of people and I’m here drunk and crying.”  


Not allowing Dan to say another word, Phil walked down the hallway and turned into the lounge.  


And came in the panic attack that had been building up inside Dan. His palms grew cold, knees buckled, and mind was rattling with guilt and fear. He squatted down to the ground and leaned against the wall. Drew the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and hugged himself.  


_Why did you think confessing would go well? What part of you believed that would end in happiness? What the actual hell?? Why did you have to confess tonight? Look what you’ve done. You’ve made shit real awkward and tomorrow morning is going to be so much worse._  


His mind wandered to the night he kissed Phil. It was still pretty choppy in his mind, but clear enough to remember the feeling of Phil’s lips against his. His heart ached at the thought. When he confessed tonight, part of him thought things would end up perfectly. That by some miracle Phil would realize he had feelings too.  


Maybe even he would look up and see Phil rushing down the hallway, ready to take him into his arms. Dan glanced up hopefully and only saw an empty hallway. Everyone was probably dancing in the lounge or hanging in the kitchen.  


That was until Dan got a very drunk PJ staggering on through.  


“Daaaan!” he grinned and waved a beer bottle in the air.  


“Oh hey, PJ, how are you?” Dan smiled a little.  


“Excellent party! Imma sit with you for a bit,” he came up to Dan and plopped down on the ground. He leaned his whole weight onto Dan’s right side and rested his head onto Dan’s shoulder.  


“Sooooo, what’s up, Howell. Why are you out here?” PJ gestured towards Dan with his bottle.  


“Something happened—” Dan began.  


“Do tell!” PJ interrupted loudly.  


“I confessed to Phil.”  


PJ immediately bolted up and repositioned himself so he was facing Dan. Eyes wide, he took a swig of beer and waved at Dan to continue.  


“Okay, well, do you want me to start from the beginning? Or just tonight? Probably gotta tell you other things too,” Dan bit at his lip nervously.  


“Start from the beginning, I wanna hear it all,” PJ slurred a little.  


“Right, okay. It all started with your party…”  


Dan ended up telling PJ all about the mystery stranger thing, how at the time neither of them knew, how Dan knew the second time around, how this party was thrown for a second chance for Phil, and how tonight went along with the confession.  


“That’s a lot, Dan. I raise my beer to you,” PJ frowned and dramatically raised his beer.  


“What do I do now?” Dan leaned in.  


“Just wait. Wait to see what Phil says and wait to say anything else,” PJ said, “Just wait, Howell.”  


“Got it,” Dan sighed and stretched his legs out.  


PJ handed his beer over for Dan to take a sip, and Dan gladly took it. He took a long drink and handed it back. The two sat there against the wall for a while in silence. At some point PJ ended up leaning back onto Dan and fell asleep holding the empty beer bottle. His head of curly hair tickled Dan’s neck and Dan had to shift himself.  


Except feeling far too warm and sleepy to get up, Dan ended up dozing off too and slept that way all the way to morning.  


What ended up waking up Dan the next morning was the sound of sirens and London traffic outside. His eyes fluttered open and he instantly felt the back pain from sleeping against a wall in his position. PJ was already gone.  


Trying to get up and orientate himself hurt every part of his body. It felt like someone had taken a bat to his back and limbs. His legs were asleep too and the prickling feeling ran up and down his calves. A quick glance in Phil’s room and he realized Phil was probably awake and sitting in the lounge or something. Maybe watching anime in the gaming room.  


“Phil!” he called out and slowly stumbled towards the kitchen.  


There was no answer.  


“PHIL?” he shouted and waited for Phil’s voice to come from anywhere in the apartment.  


Part of him began think that maybe Phil was trying to scare him and would jump out any second to scare Dan half to death. But by the time he got to the kitchen, that thought didn’t seem real. Phil wasn’t in the lounge either. Worry was beginning to seep into Dan as he made his way up to the gaming room. Which ended up being empty as well.  


“My phone…” Dan mumbled and patted his jeans.  


Nothing.  


He made rounds around the apartment, until he discovered his phone on the floor of Phil’s room. Where it probably fell out last night. He powered it up to find it was out of charge.  


Groaning loudly, he ran to the lounge to plug it in. Sat down next to it and tapped his fingers nervously on his knees. His mind was going through every possibility of where Phil could have gone. Or why. Was it his fault? Had he scared him away?  


The next two minutes were the longest of Dan’s life and when his phone finally pinged, he snatched it up and speed dialled Phil.  


First ring. Nothing  


Second ring. Still nothing.  


Third ring and Dan’s heart sank.  


“Hello?”  


“Phil!”  


“Hey, Dan,” Phil said almost with hesitation.  


“Where are you now?” Dan held the phone tight to his ear.  


“I went up to visit my family.”  


Every part of Dan’s body froze and he felt an ugly feeling spread in his chest. This wasn’t right. There was no reason for Phil to go up and visit his family now. Unless there was some family emergency, but Dan didn’t really think so.  


“Why go up right after the party?” Dan asked.  


“I had to. I really wanted to see my family,” Phil said and Dan heard shuffling. It was clear by his voice, that Phil was guilty as hell.  


“C’mon, I know when you’re lying,” Dan snorted and his body relaxed a bit.  


“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Phil’s voice rang out an octave higher and he cleared his throat.  


“Phil. You left because you didn’t want to talk this morning about last night. Because you don’t want to relive a similar conversation we had in 2012. You don’t want to confront me, so you ran away.”  


There was a pause and Phil cleared his throat again.  


“Phil?”  


“Okay!” Phil sighed loudly, “I’m scared, Dan. I still don’t know how to feel about what you said. I don’t want our friendship to get awkward and fall apart.”  


“So do you want to talk this out or what do you say we do. Because you should know that just because I like you lot, that does not mean I’m going to change the way I act towards you. This doesn’t change the fact that you are still my best friend. I never wanted this to hurt you in any way. I just thought it would be fair for you to know. And believe me I regret saying it last night. I should have saved it,” Dan told him.  


“I don’t think I want to talk this out now, but then when would we? And Dan, I know you mean well. But it’s going to be me looking differently at you. ALSO when would you have said it then? If not last night,” Phil answered right back.  


“Sorry, it’s a lot. But I don’t think I would’ve told you for a really long time. I should have stopped myself. Like, we just deal with the stranger thing and move on,” Dan repositioned himself and decided to lie on his back.  


“The stranger thing! Oh my god, I forgot about that. But you stopped the kiss the second time so it’s not so bad… What if the lights hadn’t come on though?”  


“I would’ve revealed myself.”  


“You wouldn’t,” Phil laughed and Dan heard voices in the background.  


“Yeah, I would have. I was feeling really guilty.”  


There was a pause and Phil moved the phone away from his face to shout something back at one of his family members in the background. There was inaudible shouting back and Phil responding. Dan didn’t know if he was doing this properly. How to even handle this? How would it even end? Back in 2012 it had been just a kiss and that cause them to stay apart for quite some time and cause so much speculation.  


“Sorry, mum was asking about lunch,” Phil returned and knocked Dan out of his thoughts.  


“You need to go?” Dan bit his lip.  


“A bit more. Then I do gotta go.”  


“So, where do we go from here then?” Dan asked and reached up to twirl one of his curls between his fingers.  


“I am not going to stop being your friend over this. Nor am I moving out, so don’t worry,” Phil said and Dan let out a small sigh of relief.  


“So then what?” Dan asked and found himself smiling a little knowing nothing bad would happen from this.  


“Know that I don’t have feeling for you. I’m sorry to let you down, but there is no easy way to say it. I’m really sorry, Dan. I still need some time to myself though. I can’t wrap my mind around some things. I mean I can, but you know?”  


“No, I don’t know, _do tell,_ ” Dan grinned.  


Phil laughed, “Oh my god, you sound like PJ, shut up!”  


“Nah, but actually. I don’t know.”  


Sighing dramatically and stifling back a laugh, Phil sat up straighter, “Like the fact that my best friend has feelings for me. Anyone finding me attractive. Don’t answer that though. But also… the whole kiss that happened at PJ’s party. It meant a lot to me, but knowing it’s you changes everything.”  


“Ruins it?”  


“Mmmm noo, I wouldn’t say that...” Phil smirked and held the sentence unfinished.  


“Go eat lunch then, Lester. We can talk later,” Dan smiled and felt himself blushing a little.  


“Skype?”  


“Yeah, skype,” Dan couldn’t help but smile just a bit more. The two hung up and Dan placed the phone down next to him.  


He felt okay knowing their conversation hadn’t gone rotten or with one of them ending up in tears. In fact it had gone almost too well. As if something more was coming. Especially since this was Phil. He was stubborn and always had more to say. But Dan tried to brush away that thought. There was no knowing what would come next.  


Or what would come from being in love with your best friend who felt nothing back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not over that mukbang video they did oh my god

A paranoid Dan was sitting through a puppy youtube compilation in the lounge and thinking about what Phil had said before they hung up on the phone. It was only a few minutes ago that he fully realized what Phil replied with when Dan asked if anything was ruined.  


Phil said the moment with the kiss wasn’t exactly ruined. Knowing that it was Dan didn’t exactly ruin it. And of course Dan had to tell him to go eat lunch and end the conversation without finding out what that could’ve meant.  


Dan sat there tapping his fingers on his phone. Opened his contacts and stopped at one.  


“Hello?” a groggy PJ answered the phone as Dan called.  


“Hey, PJ,” Dan smiled nervously.  


“No.”  


“Wait, please, hear me out!” Dan pleaded and heard a large yawn come from PJ’s end.  


“Dan. I love you, but it’s 3am. Go get Phil,” PJ yawned again and Dan heard the rough shuffling of a blanket against the phone.  


“Phil is with his family.”  


“What? But the party…?”  


“He left. Got overwhelmed by what happened,” Dan said and sank deeper into the couch.  


PJ just sighed.  


“Do you remember what I told you when we sat in your hallway?” he asked.  


“Not really. PJ, you were absolutely wasted.”  


“True, but I told you to ‘wait to see what Phil says and wait to say anything else’. I’m sure you already called him and got scared and panicked. But you have to wait. Be patient,” PJ told him.  


“Thanks, PJ.”  


“One more thing, Dan.”  


“Yeah?”  


“You call me past 1am again and you’re not dying, and I will murder you myself,” PJ sighed dramatically and Dan could almost imagine PJ’s classic smile, “You will be okay, I promise. I’m still there in the morning to call if ever. Just not 3am. Kay?”  


“Yeah. Night, PJ,” Dan pushed his elbows back into the couch crevices and sunk himself deeper into the cushions.  


“Night, night.” PJ yawned again and this time louder and hung up.  


The lounge was silent. Dan’s video was finished and all that filled the room was the steady sounds of traffic outside. The occasional honks and sirens of the night life, with drunks shouting outside of the apartment building.  


Part of Dan wanted to call Phil. And Phil would answer despite the time, but then what? What would Dan possibly say that could sway his emotions away from the whole situation? How would he approach the situation without making things worse or ruining anything himself?  


Holding his phone and staring into space, deep in thought, caused Dan to eventually fall asleep.  


He woke up in the morning still in the same spot, but this time with a blanket around him. Not thinking much of it, he got up and wrapped it around himself. The smell of coffee was filling the house and Dan stood in the lounge for a second processing everything.  


“Phil?” he called out.  


“Here!”  


“Oh thank fuck,” Dan sighed with relief and hurried over to the kitchen.  


A smiling Phil was standing in the kitchen brewing a coffee pot. He noticed Dan and ran over to pull him into a tight hug—blanket and all. Dan couldn’t help but smile and reached his arms through the thick blanket to hug Phil back. They stood in a warm silence for a few seconds and Dan wished they could have stayed that way a bit longer.  


“When did you get back?” Dan couldn’t stop grinning as Phil began to pour the coffee into mugs.  


“About two hours ago. Couldn’t sleep and spending time away from you just feels wrong. Got on the first morning train,” Phil reached into the cabinets to get out the creamer and sugar.  


“It does feel wrong when we’re not together. Like missing a piece of something,” Dan blushed a little, “I’m really glad you’re here.”  


Phil prepared their coffees and motioned for Dan to grab the box of honey nut cheerios from the counter. Dan was still sleepy so he grabbed the box and followed Phil out of the kitchen. They made their way up to the gaming room, with Dan sneaking handfuls of cereal while they walked.  


In the gaming room, Dan plopped down on the couch and Phil handed him his coffee. Phil himself sat down in one of the office chairs and pulled his feet up. Motioned for Dan to hand over the cereal box.  


“SO. We should film a gaming video today, try and get it edited, and upload it either tonight or tomorrow,” Phil set his coffee down on the desk and took a handful of cereal into his mouth.  


“Tomorrow is good,” Dan pulled the blanket tightly over his shoulders and snuggled with his warm mug.  


“Okay, but still gotta try to get some editing in. And try to finish most of it,” Phil took another handful of cereal and then a quick sip of coffee.  


“Sounds good. Now pass over the goods,” Dan reached his arm out of his blanket and Phil handed him the cereal box.  


They sat in a morning daze sipping their coffees and passing the cereal box back and forth. Phil told Dan about the weird squirrel at the train station and then about the pigeon who almost pooped on him when he was walking to the apartment door from the taxi.  


After Dan emerged from his blanket, with an empty mug and almost the whole cereal box gone, Phil began to set up the gaming camera. Focusing and making sure they were in frame. Dan began to start up the computer and the recording software. They both agreed on playing The Sims and Dan tapped his fingers on the table as the screen loaded.  


“Literally haven’t seen Dil in ages,” Dan tutted as the Sims music started up.  


“We’re horrible parents!” Phil laughed and sat down next to Dan.  


“You ready?” Dan reached up and pressed record on the camera.  


“Yeah,” Phil said.  


“Okay, one, two, aaaaaand go!” Dan breathed in.  


They both started off with their intro and just like that they fell into their filming selves. Like completely different individuals. They had both talked about it before. How different their voices sometimes got or even personalities. Recently they both agreed to tone down the on-camera versions of themselves and try to keep it more natural.  


About an hour later, they finished up and both sank back into their chairs.  


“Do you ever think about how the audience literally knows nothing about what goes on with us when we’re not filming? Like we had the whole party thing, the whole drama, you left, and here we are just filming a Dil video like nothing’s wrong,” Dan looked over at Phil.  


“Geez, what was in your coffee?” Phil blinked a few times in confusion and laughed nervously. He turned his chair around to face Dan.  


“No but actually. It comes to me every once in a while, but especially now,” Dan said.  


“I mean, I do think about it. But I am glad we still get to keep something to ourselves and aren’t like those youtubers who allow their whole lives appear online,” Phil made a face as he leaned his head back to think.  


“Imagine if they knew.”  


Phil laughed nervously again and shook his head.  


“But anyway! Editing time!” Dan changed the subject before they both feel into some kind of crisis.  


“Hey, hey! I’m glad they don’t know,” Phil said in a much softer voice and placed a hand gently on Dan’s arm.  


The second Phil’s hand made contact with Dan’s skin, Dan felt a shiver run through his body. Usually they smacked each other’s arms or made contact with light shoves or nudges. But this was so calm and Dan didn’t even know how to respond to it.  


“Me too,” he managed to say.  


“But you know, editing time!” Phil exclaimed and turned to grab the laptop off the stand it was on during filming.  


They spent the next six hours in a state of editing, procrastinating by watching youtube, or finishing two bags of crisps. Each.  


By the end of it, they were left with a finished video and leg cramps. Dan was the first to get up and stretched his back out with a satisfying crack and sigh. He swung his arms around and watched Phil do the same.  


“We should upload it tomorrow. Gonna take forever to upload if we start now,” Dan glanced over at Phil.  


“Good call. We should go grab dinner instead,” Phil shut down the laptop and closed it.  


“Tacos?”  


Phil rubbed his chin dramatically and squinted his eyes at Dan. He hummed loudly and Dan couldn’t help but giggle a little.  


“Ooh, IDEA,” Phil said in a deep low voice for effect.  


“Do tell, Lester,” Dan wiggled his brows in his direction and Phil only rolled his eyes.  


“What is something we’ve always wanted to do?” Phil asked.  


“Get a dog,” Dan said.  


They both began to leave the gaming room and Phil shook his head, “Other thing.”  


“Fill our bathtub with cereal,” Dan smiled, “with my honey crisp one.”  


“Other thing,” Phil sighed loudly.  


“OH. Dress super fancy and go to a really fancy dinner because we can,” Dan jumped a little and began to poke Phil in the shoulder excitedly.  


“YES.”  


Both didn’t even say another word. They ran off to get dressed. At some point Phil called for Dan to come into his room when he was ready so they can fix themselves in his tall mirror.  


In the end, Dan ended up wearing black formal pants and a navy blue dress shirt. He slung his suit jacket over his shoulder and sauntered over to Phil’s room. In which Phil wore a white dress shirt and black pants. But of course had bright mismatched socks on each foot. Pugs on the left and hearts on the right.  


“Amazing socks,” Dan said.  


“I know, right? No one but us will know. But come here, I got to show you something,” Phil gestured over to the spot next to him in front of the mirror.  


Dan came over and Phil showed what he held in his hand. It was a pair of black suspenders.  


“Oh my god look at you!” Dan grinned as Phil began to clip them on, “Looking like Jack from the Titanic.”  


“Holy crap, I didn’t even notice,” Phil gasped and gave a little spin in the mirror once they were on.  


Dan watched Phil check himself out and couldn’t help but smile to himself a little. It was really hitting him now that this would have been a date if they were together. And even so, this was definitely something. They looked like a couple going to a wedding.  


“Best part is that I have something for you too!” Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out a black bowtie.  


In that instant Dan’s whole face went pink as he took it from Phil and turned to the mirror to put it on. Phil actually got a bowtie for him.  


“T-Thank you,” he said and once on, he gave a glance into the mirror.  


There they stood both dressed better than ever, Phil wearing suspenders and Dan with his suit jacket and bow tie. The moment seemed so perfect and Dan wished he could’ve saved this moment in his mind forever. Phil reached up to brush his hair back and fix it. Dan’s heart beat a little faster as he watched Phil.  


“Ready?” Phil finally said and their eyes met in the mirror.  


“Yeah,” Dan fanned himself with both hands and they left the room.  


Everything was happening fast and by the next ten minutes, they were already in the taxi heading to some restaurant that Phil found. There was no need for reservations, just had to call ahead. But when Dan asked Phil how he found place, Phil responded by saying he just typed ‘Best fancy London restaurants’ into Google. Chose by seeing which one had the most over-the-top chandeliers.  


Price? Phil said it was more than they’ve ever spent on food. But the portions seemed bigger than typical fancy places, so Dan didn’t mind too much. At least this was based off the two food pictures Phil found.  


The place was located in an upscale part of London. The street was filled with all kinds of boutiques and restaurants that seemed far too fancy for either of them. But a very determined Phil led Dan to one of the French restaurants and held the door open for him.  


The place was washed in gold and paintings. Those were the first two things Dan noticed. But then he saw the giant chandeliers hanging from the high ceilings and gasped a little. Tables with white tablecloths and an array of silver and large flower bouquets filled the place as far as the eye could see. A tall waiter asked for their name and Phil proudly said: Victor Striker. With an emphasis on ‘Striker’. Dan walked behind him, trying hard to hold back a laugh.  


They were led to a table for two, closer to the large windows by the entrance. Once seated, the waiter greeted them once more and handed them two small menus. The waiter stepped away and Dan carefully hung his suit jacket on his chair, then turned to Phil with a huge grin.  


“How are we even here now?” he asked almost breathless as he looked around.  


“Amazing, right? It looks so much better in person. Excellent chandeliers too!” Phil made a face as he glanced upward.  


Both spent a few seconds turning in their seats and looking about. Dan noticed their waiter in the corner pursing his lips and making some kind of disapproving face.  


“We should order!” he turned to Phil, who was counting the chandeliers in the place.  


“Right!” Phil laughed.  


They opened the small menu and realized that neither of them recognized anything there. Except steak. In the midst of it all, that was what they noticed—tucked away in the description of some other dish.  


“Well, this is something,” Phil said under his breath, just loud enough for Dan to hear.  


“You know it’s expensive when they don’t put prices next to dishes,” Dan bit his lip nervously and turned to the last page for the wine.  


“Okay, I have an idea,” Phil closed his menu shut and looked at Dan with a determined expression, “We just point to something random when the waiter asks. Same with the wine.”  


“Hah, okay, um. Phil? For the wine, there are some here that I know for sure are like 800£ per bottle. For food, I’m willing to take the risk. But for wine, I’ll decide,” Dan said and his leg started bouncing in a slight panic.  


“Okay, sure,” Phil nodded and he raised his hand for the waiter to scurry over.  


The unknown dishes were chosen with Phil picking the one with the shortest description and Dan picking the one at the top of the right page. He assumed the left side was a list of appetizers. For the wine, Dan picked one that he once saw at Tesco. Honestly, he didn’t know anything about wine and only wanted to impress Phil. But knew for sure what the 800£ ones were called from late night Wikipedia reading.  


Once the food arrived, both glanced at their beautifully plated dishes.  


“You got snails,” Phil smirked and watched Dan grab the tiny fork that came with the dish.  


“Okay, but you know, ‘try new things’! You always say that,” Dan rolled his eyes.  


“True. I just wish I knew what I have,” Phil grabbed his own fork and analyzed his dish.  


It was a meat dish carefully placed on a bed of black wild rice and an array of vegetables, which Phil had never seen in his life. He hoped they were vegetables. A thin dark red sauce coated the dish.  


“It’s not chicken,” Dan was already eating what he had.  


Phil snatched up the one menu the waiter left them and then pulled out this phone for google translate.  


“Oh! It’s duck!” Phil exclaimed.  


“Must be a fancy ass duck,” Dan grinned and watched Phil carefully try some.  


They ended up finishing their own dishes and by the end were pleasantly surprised by what they chose. Dan even managed to get Phil to try some of what he had, even getting to feed it to Phil himself. It was getting to be one of the best nights they’ve had in a long while. Everything was going almost perfectly.  


“To many more years, many more fancy dinners, and oh! Your four million subscribers!” Dan said and they raised their third wine glasses to clink loudly.  


“Yeah, we never got around to properly celebrating that,” Phil pouted at Dan.  


“Well, we are here now. Plus there’s dessert,” Dan picked up the menu and flipped it for the dessert section.  


It wasn’t there and for a second they both almost freaked out, until the waiter came to take their dinner plates and hand Dan an even smaller menu. Three desserts looked back at them and they ended up choosing the chocolate mousse to split. However after much debate, they decided to each get the mousse. Phil assumed the piece would be tiny.  


And of course it wasn’t. Each received a good hearty slice of chocolate mousse plated with cherries and powdered sugar.  


“What do you think they put in this that makes it so fancy?” Phil asked.  


“Powdered gold,” Dan smiled and moaned a little once he ate his first spoonful.  


“Oh my god, keep it together,” Phil giggled and took his first bite too.  


Except Phil wasn’t as quiet either and said a very loud ‘holy crap’ to which Dan tried to keep himself from laughing at.  


“I would take seven more these to go,” Dan said and Phil only nodded in agreement.  


The restaurant was filling up just a bit more with a few couples and even some families joining. The lights were dimmed just a bit and the waiters began to walk around lighting the candles on each table. Once the waiter came to their table to light their two candles, the mousse was almost all gone. Dan was trying hard to savour every single bite, while Phil was just eating it like he ate anything—big bites.  


The wine they drank earlier was warming Dan up and he glanced over at Phil. Phil was on his last bite and then glanced up at Dan. The way the candlelight softly bounced off Phil’s sharp facial features, made Dan stare a bit more. He really couldn’t look away. He was realizing how beautiful Phil really was.  


“Hey, what is it,” Phil whispered.  


“It’s nothing,” Dan gave him a small smile.  


They were looking at each with a completely different energy. There was nothing awkward, nothing weird. Something new and strange. Dan couldn’t really imagine what was going through Phil’s mind in that moment. Maybe it was the ambience, maybe it was the wine, but there was something different about the way Phil watched him.  


Phil looked ready to say something. But it never came. He narrowed his eyes just a little as he looked at Dan.  


Then very carefully Phil placed his hand on the table. Just inches away from Dan’s fingers. Dan moved his hand a bit forward as well, until their fingers were just barely touching. There was something in this moment that made Dan wish they just could just stop time.  


The moment became something delicate. In a few seconds Phil’s fingers were gently placed a little over Dan’s own. It was such a small gesture, but created giant ripples in Dan’s heart. Almost hesitantly, Phil stroked his thumb over Dan’s hand. Their eyes sunk into each other and saying anything would have ruined it.  


“Oh my god! Is that Dan and Phil?”  


The moment shattered immediately. Phil removed his hand faster than Dan could even blink and his whole face turned into something completely different. It was a mix of fear and almost anger. He looked so upset that Dan wished he could comfort him on the spot.  


But he scanned the room and saw a girl and her family sitting at a table not too far from them. When the girl saw Dan looking her way, she waved vigorously. There was a phone in her other hand. Normally Dan would give a small wave back. Except he glanced back at Phil, who was now looking embarrassed in himself and maybe even on the verge of tears.  


Dan quickly called over the waiter for the bill and the second he paid, he walked over to Phil and took his arm to help him up. They hurried out of the restaurant and the second they were out, Dan placed his suit jacket over Phil’s shoulders. There was no knowing if the girl recorded them or took any pictures as they left. Maybe even of their small moment. Dan didn’t even want to think of it now.  


Phil still didn’t say anything. Dan raised his hand up to hail a cab. Looking down at the ground, Phil pulled Dan’s jacket tighter around himself. He looked scared and was trying hard to hold back tears. The second the cab came, they both climbed into the back and Dan gave their address to the driver. Once they were moving, Dan turned to Phil and asked quietly if he was okay.  


But Phil only bit his lip and tears began to come down his cheeks as he turned his face to the window. He reached his hand out and found Dan’s. Without hesitation Phil took his hand and held it.  


Dan held on tight until they got home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for all the comments! <3 They really mean a lot to me! Seriously inspired me to come up with new ideas!  
> I will try to update sooner, school just really got in the way last week

As the cab pulled up to their street, Dan paid the driver and they got out. Phil never seemed to let go of Dan’s hand. Even as they stood on the sidewalk in front of their building, Phil’s hand held on tight.  


Dan gave a glance at Phil to see his tears were gone. There was something different about the way Phil was and the air around them was just _different_. Carefully Dan slipped his hand away from Phil’s and reached into his pocket to pull the door open.  


There were no words exchanged between them as they walked up all those flights of stairs to their apartment. Dan spent that time deep in thought. Processing the night and the way Phil acted. The hand thing after dinner, the fan that noticed them, Phil breaking down, Dan having to run out with him, and then… The hand holding in the cab.  


It felt almost forbidden, even though Dan knew that sounded absolutely ridiculous. But even though it was just holding hands, it felt like such a huge leap. They weren’t the type of best friends who just held hands randomly. They never even held hands for comfort or any other reason.  


So what did this mean? Did it even mean anything?  


He unlocked their front door and they both stumbled into the dark apartment. Both took their shoes off and Dan flicked on the hallway light. The silent apartment met them and the feeling of stepping home caused all the tension to drop from Dan’s shoulders. He looked over at Phil.  


“Hey, you wanna talk?” Dan whispered.  


“Yeah,” Phil gripped Dan’s jacket. Still draped over his shoulders since the restaurant.  


“C’mon,” Dan motioned for Phil to follow him.  


They went into the kitchen and Dan just sat down on the floor. He opened one of the lower cabinets and pulled out two water bottles. Phil carefully sat down in front of him and Dan handed him a bottle. As Phil reached over to take it, their hands brushed briefly. Despite holding hands the entire cab ride, Dan shivered from Phil’s gentle touch.  


“Are you feeling a bit better?” Dan asked.  


Phil gave a small nod and stared down at the floor. Dan wished he could see what Phil was really feeling. Through Phil’s blue eyes you could read entire chapters on his emotions. On what he may be hiding. But they hadn’t made eye contact this entire time and Dan wanted to know what to do aside from this.  


“Okay. Do you want me to start ta—” Dan began to speak, but Phil suddenly interrupted him.  


“I know what it might have looked like,” Phil looked up at him and their eyes met for the first time since the moment in the restaurant. A bright pearlescent blue blinked at Dan. Phil looked like he was about to cry again, but there was something else.  


Dan watched Phil’s shoulders tighten in worry and his hands pulled the jacket’s cloth into fists. His eyes were starting to look determined, but remained scared. Whatever tears might have come out, any of trace of them was gone now.  


“The moment where I tried to reach for your hand after dinner. I think I can understand what you may have felt.” Phil’s voice echoed in the kitchen.  


“I don’t want to tell you my thoughts on that. But I was a little confused,” Dan sighed a little.  


“I was too,” Phil said and Dan watched his hands carefully let go of the jacket and grab the bottle in front of him.  


Dan stared at him, “What?”  


Phil didn’t say anything in response to that and just watched Dan.  


“But moving on to the fan thing…” Phil unscrewed his water and took a long sip.  


“No, no, you can’t change the subject like that! Why were you confused?” Dan inched closer to Phil.  


As Dan sat much closer to him, he saw that breath-taking blue of Phil’s eyes looking at him, but then darting around in guilt and fear. It was clear Phil knew something.  


“I can’t say,” Phil gulped.  


“Okay, then. The fan. Let’s talk from there,” Dan sat back a bit and watched as Phil fiddled with bottle cap.  


“She had a phone. And we were in a really vulnerable position. Anyone could interpret what happened as something completely different. It ruined me because it made me realize that anything we do in public could be seen. I wanted tonight to be filled with moments between us. Only us. Not our audience. I wanted to experience things unfiltered. To not fear someone with a camera taking pictures of us in the background,” Phil took a sharp inhale in and looked down.  


“Honestly, I was so focused on getting out of there and getting you into a cab that I never really processed the worst of that fan interaction. But I’m sorry you had to start crying. And I’m sorry our moment was ruined,” Dan said in a quiet voice.  


But he knew Phil was right. Part of the whole dinner thing was them just having the time of their lives alone. No fans around, not posting anything about the dinner. Just two best friends dressing up and going somewhere really fancy. They felt comfortable in their own bubble the whole dinner long. It was just nice not feeling like they were youtubers for the night. Dan was realizing how much more that fan interaction was now. How it brought them back to the reality, where they just weren’t alone. That experiencing anything personal was dangerous in public.  


He thought back to all the shit that happened recently with the parties and the drama there. How thankful he was that no one except PJ knew them at the parties. How to that crowd they were just two guys getting drunk.  


“Dan, please don’t be sorry. I was just really really shaken in the cab. I was angry and upset that we couldn’t even have a moment to ourselves. And scared of what would happen if she did take any pictures and posted them. I was scared for us and how people would view us if anything went out into the public,” Phil reached out and took both of Dan’s hands in his and held them firmly.  


This was a strong hold. Dan felt the anger and the pain through Phil’s grip. But he felt the gentleness and courage that he knew Phil always carried with him. This was a ‘fuck, we’ll get through this’ kind of grip.  


“If we do get exposed, I don’t even want to think about it. Shit won’t be the same. We’ll become the Dan and Phil who get fancy dinners together and act all couple-y. The whole ‘Oh my god is Phan real’ thing will explode. Can you imagine the mess that will come?” Dan shook his head.  


“The one time we decided to grab a fancy dinner,” Phil laughed and Dan felt a weight lift a little off his chest.  


Seeing Phil actually laughing a bit after what happened was such a relief. Dan couldn’t help but smile too and looked down at their hands.  


“Please tell me what you were confused about though,” Dan pushed the thought back into the conversation, hoping he might go for it again.  


Phil’s hands carefully dropped from his hold, “It just felt right in the moment. That’s all I’ll say.”  


Every part of Dan wanted to push on. It was killing him to just know what that moment really meant. Why was Phil confused now? What did it mean to him and how did Phil it? Was the fan interaction really all Phil had cried about? There had to be more to it. More to those tears and the way Phil acted.  


But Dan remembered what PJ told him about waiting. About being patient. Maybe this situation really did just need time. Maybe Phil would speak out eventually.  


“Are you sure?” Dan asked anyway. If Phil didn’t reveal anything more, he’ll drop it.  


Phil titled his head back to the ceiling, “Yeah.”  


They sat there on that kitchen floor with the sound of the humming fridge keeping them company. The sound of a vibrating phone snapped them both out of it.  


“Shit, it’s mine,” Dan dug through his pockets and pulled his phone out.  


“Who is it?” Phil asked.  


“Oh no…” Dan’s eyes scanned the screen furiously, “Twitter fans are blowing up apparently. I got some messages from a couple of mutuals saying a pict—”  


Dan felt his throat closing up knowing exactly what this was about. But Phil snatched the phone from his hands, stopping him.  


“Not tonight. Pretend nothing’s happened,” Phil turned Dan’s phone off.  


“You do realize we can’t just wait this out? The picture might be clear enough for them to see us about to hold hands. We have to clear shit up,” Dan said.  


The look in Phil’s eyes was pleading. He looked extremely hurt by this and that alone made Dan stop. The last thing he wanted tonight was to see Phil start crying again. It broke Dan’s heart more knowing that nothing made Phil cry. If something or someone made Phil Lester cry, it was really damn serious.  


“Let’s just go to bed and deal with it in the morning. Promise you won’t look,” Phil said.  


“I promise.”  


They got up from the kitchen floor, Dan feeling the leg cramps already. With both phones off they got out of their dress clothes and went through their nightly routine like nothing was wrong.  


Once in bed, Dan stared at the ceiling feeling weird not scrolling through Twitter before bed or reading weird articles. The comforting blue glow of his phone screen wasn’t here to lull him to sleep and he felt awkward just lying there completely awake. If he got up now, he would never fall asleep. Getting up for the kitchen would only lead to him watching something in the lounge.  


Unaware of how many hours or minutes passed, Dan felt his eyes finally growing heavy. He rolled over to his side and was about to fall asleep when a soft knock came from his door. His door creaked open and a terrified Dan bolted up in bed.  


“Dan?”  


“Oh god, Phil.”  


Dan sighed loudly and fell back into bed when he saw Phil step into the room.  


“Can I come in? I can’t sleep over the photo thing,” Phil hissed and Dan motioned him over.  


There really was no need to be quiet anymore. Especially now that Dan was wide awake again. Phil sat down on the edge of Dan’s bed and Dan shifted over to give him room.  


“I couldn’t sleep either. But then was about to pass out, until you came in,” Dan looked up at him.  


“Sorry.” Phil said and brought his feet up onto the bed, “Can I lie down?”  


Dan was a bit taken aback, but agreed anyway. He watched Phil lie down on his back inches from him. The last time Dan remembered Phil sleeping next to him was years ago when they first moved into the apartment together. Back then they’d only assembled Dan’s bed first. For a few days they shared this bed.  


“Are you scared?” Dan said into the dark room.  


“Yeah,” Phil sighed.  


There was the shuffling of sheets and Dan turned to glance at Phil. Phil turned to the side facing Dan. To speak to him better, Dan turned from his back to his side too. They lay there inches apart looking at each other.  


“Take off your glasses, you nerd,” Dan snorted when he realized Phil was still in them.  


“Shit,” Phil laughed and took them off. He turned around to place them on Dan’s nightstand.  


Dan couldn’t help but smile a little as Phil turned back to him. He remembered the last time they were in the dark together. Hazy flashbacks of the party came to his mind and he felt his face fill with blush. But because of the darkness, he knew there was no way for Phil to notice.  


“We’ll be okay,” Dan whispered.  


He placed his hand between them and watched as Phil hesitated a little. Then placed his hand over Dan’s.  


“This becomes less awkward the more it happens,” Phil smiled.  


“I think so too,” Dan said and moved in a little closer.  


He closed a bit of the space between them and took Phil hand into his. They held hands between themselves and Phil stifled a small yawn.  


“Thank you for tonight. And for helping me leave that restaurant. It meant a lot,” Phil looked at Dan.  


“It’s no problem,” Dan said softly, “I’m always here for you.”  


“I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but it’s nice to know we have each other,” Phil yawned again.  


His eyes began to close and his grip on Dan’s hand loosened just a bit.  


“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan said and Phil mumbled a sleepy goodnight back.  


Careful not to let go of Phil’s hand, Dan pulled the blanket over Phil as well.  


As Phil’s gentle snoring filled the room, Dan felt sleep take over him once again.


	11. Chapter 11

The soft morning light seeped into the room through the blinds the next day, hitting Dan in the face. He opened his eyes and groaned. Sat up and glanced around sleepily. Lying next to him was Phil, all curled up in Dan’s blanket.  


Dan couldn’t help but smile. Seeing Phil so peacefully sleeping, with his hair all tangled up, and a faint snore escaping his mouth. For a moment Dan closed his eyes and just sat there. Listening to the traffic outside and thinking about the fact that the boy he was in love with, was asleep next to him. There was just so much good wrapped in these few minutes that Dan didn’t even want to go anywhere from here.  


He knew what would happen when Phil woke up. When they both turned their phones on. The chaos that was happening online. But here they were, in absolute oblivion.  


Carefully he leaned over Phil to grab his phone off the nightstand. He turned it on and for what seemed like eternity, his phone just vibrated with hundreds of notifications. He tried to hide the phone under the blankets so the noise wouldn’t wake Phil, but it was too late.  


“Dan…?” a very groggy Phil opened his eyes and gave a big stretch.  


“Yeah?”  


Phil looked confused for a second as he looked around the room and then reached for his glasses. He blinked a couple of times to wake up properly and then sat up too. Noticed the phone buzzing in Dan’s hands.  


“What’s the damage?” he asked and leaned closer to Dan. Rested his head on Dan’s shoulder and Dan felt himself tense up from the gesture. His face was already heating up.  


“You wanna see now? Or grab some breakfast first,” Dan asked.  


“And ruin breakfast? You do realize we’ll be anxious as hell the entire time if we eat first,” Phil shook his head.  


Dan shivered as Phil’s hair tickled his shoulder. Even through his t-shirt, it felt like fire to Dan’s soul. _Keep it together, Dan._ he inhaled deeply.  


“Okay then, to Twitter we go,” Dan gulped and Phil grabbed Dan’s arm.  


It really wasn’t hard to find the pictures. They’d been reposted over and over with fans circling parts of them for proving some point.  


The first picture was the two of them sitting at the table talking. It was taken from a distance—probably the second the girl noticed them. The second one was closer and zoomed in to show Phil reaching for Dan’s hand. The two were leaned in a lot more too. The third was Phil looking up in panic and the blur of his hand moving away from Dan. The last one was Phil looking away and Dan turning around to see the girl.  


There were replies and posts that went on for ages of fans screaming how _‘PHAN IS FUCKING REAL’_ or _‘I FUCKING CALLED IT’_ or people writing out full on theories about how and which events lead up to this _‘DINNER DATE’_. Others got worse saying things like _‘THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD HIDE IT’_ , _‘NO MORE HIDING IT’S ALL OUT NOW’, ‘DADS GONNA GET MARRIED SOON’_ or going for things like _‘PHIL LESTER EXPOSED OH MY GOD’_. Lots of people were telling them to ‘just fucking come out already’ and just so many crazy shippers tweeting out top and bottom theories.  


It was a huge collective of fans just screaming all at once about the ship, about the relationship. Fans fighting over whether Dan was gay or bi. Or if Phil was faking it. Fans asking when the wedding was and how the 2022 wedding was confirmed for sure. People posting screenshots of newer videos with more evidence.  


The more they scrolled through, the more overwhelmed they got. They even found a hashtag for the entire thing: #DPDinner.  


But through it all they saw fans that were outraged. Calling out the girl who took the pictures. Saying how this was invading their privacy. How _‘Dan and Phil are human too and deserve to do things on their own’_. How this was a moment that shouldn’t have been seen. Others saying how the moment was completely platonic and reaching for someone’s hand at dinner was nothing. There were people pointing out how upset Phil looked in the last picture and how none of this was okay. But the defenders to the case were only drowned out by fans screaming about how romantic the whole thing was.  


People analyzed the restaurant and the usual people who went there. The clothes Dan and Phil wore and someone even started a theory about possibly seeing Phil holding a ring in one of the pictures.  


As Dan scrolled on, he felt Phil’s grip tighten on his arm. It immediately brought him back to last night and he quickly turned to look over at Phil.  


“You okay?” Dan asked quietly.  


“No, not really,” Phil said through his breath, “You?”  


“Nope,” Dan turned back to read more tweets, “I thought I was immune to all this. But not when it’s to do with something as personal as last night. The whole world can see that night now. Everyone will just keep assuming.”  


The room was quiet. Neither of them said anything until Phil took the phone from Dan’s hand and turned it off. He put it face down on the bed.  


“I don’t even know what to do. We were planning to upload a gaming video today,” Phil said.  


“Do we say something then? Like clear shit up?” Dan adjusted the blanket to pull it more over them.  


“Anything we say could be taken the wrong way. Like we have to say it perfectly to not start more drama,” Phil pulled the blanket to his chin, still leaning onto Dan.  


After a while of just sitting there and both just watching the sun come in through the blinds, Phil let go of Dan’s arm and pulled the blanket off in frustration.  


“It’s all my fault. I decided to take your hand at dinner,” he ran both hands through his hair and clutched his hair in his hands.  


“No, no, no. Phil. It’s their fault for not understanding that going to dinner meant nothing. Why should holding hands always be seen as a romantic thing? Why can’t two best friends just dress up and go to dinner together? It’s their fault,” Dan reached over to gently take Phil’s hand in his.  


Tightening his grip on Dan’s hand, Phil hide his face lower and away from sight. Dan didn’t know if he was angry or about to cry. He wanted so badly to just take Phil into a hug.  


He wished he could take the pain Phil felt and take it for himself. None of this was Phil’s fault. But it wasn’t his either. They shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for going to dinner—dating or not. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with showing comfort or any kind of loving emotion—platonic or not. Dan felt his chest tighten as he thought of the many voices, the many people who were shouting at them.  


Dan kept imagining all the people they met at TATiNoF and all those smiling faces looking back at them. He pictured all those people sitting behind their screens and seeing those four pictures. The thought of so many people looking onto something so intimate made Dan’s skin crawl.  


“Dan, I hate this.”  


Phil raised his head and Dan saw that he was about to start crying. His nose was red and a few tears were pooling in his eyes. It was no different than the night before. Dan hated this too. But he had to stay strong for Phil. One of them had to keep their head on, even if Dan was ready to lose his mind over this.  


To any outsider it didn’t even look like anything. The pictures wouldn’t even seem so scandalous to a stranger. But because the phandom was so hungry for any kind of proof, something as simple as dinner and hand holding was like poking a caged lion. Dan didn’t hate the phandom for this. He understood the excitement coming from fans. Just hated how the situation was handled and how a simple night was ruined.  


“Listen,” Dan reached out for Phil’s hand. Phil took it without any hesitation.  


“They don’t know anything. They don’t know about my feelings. They don’t even know we’ve been to two parties, one being our own. Do they know half the things we do alone? No. All our weird routines, our weird quirks, or that we bother PJ at 2am far too much. This will pass. I fucking promise you,” Dan looked at Phil, who smiled a little at Dan’s determined mini speech.  


“I promise I won’t hold your hand in public no more,” Phil wiped his tears and couldn’t help but laugh a little.  


“You can hold it as much as you want at home,” Dan told him.  


“Dork,” Phil smiled and squeezed Dan’s hand.  


“Nerd,” Dan stuck his tongue out at him.  


Phil held his gaze steady with Dan. His smile stayed on his face, but Dan saw right through it. The pain in Phil’s eyes showed otherwise.  


There was something more. There was definitely something more and Dan wanted to press for answers. To find out the full truth behind Phil’s tears and acting the way he did. The thought of Phil not trusting him scared him more than anything. He hoped it wasn’t that at all and just personal feelings.  


“So what now?” Phil finally spoke, pulling Dan out of his thoughts.  


“I mean we could make a statement on Twitter today. I’m just worried that keeping quiet will silently confirm people’s assumptions,” Dan said with an exasperated sigh.  


“Yeah, but do we have to?” Phil asked and gently swayed Dan’s hand.  


Dan shook his head and Phil just nodded back.  


The room was washed in morning’s light with parts of the bed coated in warm sunlight. Half of Phil’s face was covered in the soft rays from the blinds and he looked down to avoid it. Half-lidded and gently stroking Dan’s hand with his. Dan watched him without a word. How the sunlight carved out Phil’s face, bringing out his sharp cheekbones. How much longer Phil’s eyelashes looked in this light.  


Phil’s parted lips looked almost rosy and Dan caught himself staring longer at them. How badly he wished they were together. How much he wanted to kiss those lips.  


He imagined the fans not knowing if they did end up dating. How he and Phil would have all their moments to themselves. How Dan could shower Phil with love all day.  


“We’re such a mess,” Phil suddenly said and looked up at Dan with a smile.  


“In a good way?”  


“Yeah,” Phil said and without thinking he held Dan’s hand up to his lips.  


Before Phil’s lips could kiss the back of Dan’s hand, he froze.  


Dropped Dan’s hand quicker than ever, as if it was coated in flames.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M STILL HERE. It's almost been a month, but it's been a rough few weeks for me and I really couldn't write. BUT I'm doing a lot better now! Thank you for being patient <3

There was a moment of awkward silence that hung over their heads like a burden. Dan stared at Phil not really understanding the situation or what to do next.  


Phil had tried to kiss his hand. For what reason Dan did not know. Instinct? In the moment?  


“You just…?” Dan finally spoke.  


Phil’s face was paler than Dan’s ever seen it. Just fear in his eyes. There was nothing else. Aside from sitting there frozen, Phil looked like a million thoughts were racing through his mind and none of them stuck.  


“I don’t know, I was excited? But like… I don’t know,” Phil stammered.  


“I mean I still haven’t processed the whole picture-and-phandom-collective-heart-attack thing so this is what exactly?” Dan laughed nervously, “Holding hands, sure. Kissing my hands, is like a step further?”  


Phil didn’t say anything. He began to bite his nails and avoided all eye contact with Dan at that point. Dan just sat there in a daze. The twitter thing was buzzing in his head and he just couldn’t shake some of the comments that people made. But trying to shove this whole thing into his mind right now wasn’t possible. There was no processing what that was.  


If it was really nothing, then they could just move on from it. _Shit happens. Shit like this happens between friends. Right? RIGHT?_  


They agreed minutes ago that the whole phandom situation would pass. To assume there was no worrying about it. Except the more Dan thought about it, the worse the situation looked in his mind.  


And just pile on the drama with Phil. He knew there was something wrong. He felt it in every fibre of his being. There was something up with Phil and Phil was clearly meaning to say something. Just looking at Phil right now made Dan think so. Phil looked like he was going to burst. As if there was something right on his tongue ready to come out.  


“OKAY.”  


Phil got off the bed and stood up. He clasped his hands together tight.  


“Yeah?” Dan watched him.  


Phil looked so stressed it made Dan want to shake the words out of him. There was pacing involved now too.  


“You know what’s fucked me up for a while now?” Phil said.  


“Wow, language, Lester,” Dan chuckled nervously.  


“No, Dan, please.”  


“Okay, sorry,” Dan gestured for him to continue.  


Phil stopped pacing and came back to the bed. Carefully he sat down on the edge and smoothed down the piece of the blanket next to him. His hand was shaking just a bit and Dan figured patting down the blanket was calming him down.  


“Finding out that you were the guy I kept mentioning with the whole kiss situation really fucked me up. Like not exactly in a bad way. But not in a good way either. That kiss brought in feelings I didn’t think I had within me. And I know that might sound weird. But then finding out it was you… I didn’t know what to feel after. I ran away because I needed to think things through. Like how did I actually feel,” Phil spoke.  


“Valid,” Dan nodded.  


“Except we went out to dinner. And I felt something. When the world found out about said dinner, I felt something more. And I’m just feeling so much more when I see you and think about you. To think that with the lights off we’d unwind like that.”  


Dan didn’t dare say a single thing. The moment was delicate and oh so fragile. He had no clue where this was going, but he had an idea. Except this was Phil. Phil was unpredictable. But he was also emotional. Phil felt things deep down. Everything he experienced meant something to him. Even small encounters with random squirrels on the street. But because Phil felt so much, he had a hard time keeping in the feelings that mattered to him most. Once there was too much to handle, everything he held in would bubble over.  


It seemed like this was one of those moments.  


“I’ve been so confused, Dan. Because you mean so much to me. And this is just feeling so much more. My heart aches, Dan. I look at you and I feel this weird pain in my chest. But I also feel so calm. And it all feels so right. I don’t know what to think,” Phil said and his hands shook a little more.  


He kept grasping at the blanket to steady himself.  


“We’re a mess. Like I said. In the best way possible. I-I don’t want to lose you or lose spending time with you. I just don’t know what to feel. I really like holding hands with you and whenever I look at you I get butterflies,” Phil looked down and blushed in embarrassment, “I don’t know what changes with me saying all this. Or if any of this made any sense? I really hope it did, but—”  


“It’s okay,” Dan stopped him and took Phil’s hand in both of his, “Nothing has to change yet. You’re panicking bad now, but know everything’s okay.”  


“I can’t do that. I feel a lot for you, Dan. I want things to change at some point,” Phil looked up at him, “maybe?”  


“What are you trying to say?” Dan felt his mouth go dry.  


“I don’t know. That there are feelings… for you?” Phil said with the last bit trailing off in almost a whisper, “Or feelings surrounding you. Feeling about you?”  


Dan watched him struggle get to the point. How Phil’s eyes kept darting around in panic and he kept shaking his head to move the hair out of his face. There was the nose crinkling and Phil’s Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped nervously. When Phil was anxious, it was obvious.  


“What do you mean?” Dan asked carefully.  


He felt his own hands get warm from where they held Phil’s.  


“So I’ve never said this out loud… And saying it will really help me confirm them,” Phil said.  


Dan’s heart was beating a little quicker, “The feelings?”  


“Yeah,” Phil’s voice was drying up a bit.  


There was a strange few second silence that followed where neither knew what to do. Phil looked terrified, but clearly ready for something. Dan was absolutely confused, thinking he knew what was about to happen. But at the same time he didn’t want to bet on it.  


“I really like you, Dan,” Phil’s voice cracked into a squeak, “Like I’ve been developing a crush on you.”  


Dan’s grip on Phil’s hands tightened for a second and then he was the one trembling a bit. He felt like he didn’t hear that right. _There is absolutely no way this is real._ Dan thought and his brain almost short-circuited.  


“Dan?”  


“Hmmm, yeah?” Dan wheezed.  


Phil looked at Dan with a steady look and moved his hands out of Dan’s grip to carefully take Dan’s shaking hands in his. A small smile grew on Phil’s lips and Dan felt his heart flutter.  


“You like like me?” Dan finally said, feeling the weight of Phil’s words.  


“I do.”  


“You have feelings for me?”  


“Yeah, I really think I do,” Phil laughed a little, “Saying it aloud really confirmed it.”  


Uncertainty and determination. That’s the vibe Phil was giving off. But the tension that was growing in him was gone. Dan noticed how relaxed he looked.  


But Dan also noticed how loud his heart was beating.  


His best friend. Who he’s had feeling for, who he’s been in love with… Liked him back? _He ACTUALLY likes me back. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DRILL. Phil Lester. My best friend. Kinda has a crush on me. ACTUALLY._ Dan’s face was turning bright red.  


“Dan, are you okay? You look panicked,” Phil leaned in just a little in concern.  


“I’m fine,” Dan smiled and began to cry out of nowhere. Tears came down his face as he tried to maintain his smile.  


“Oh my god, you nerd,” Phil laughed and pulled Dan into a hug.  


“You _actually_ like me?” Dan sniffled.  


“Yeah, I actually do!” Phil leaned his face close to Dan’s and hesitated for a second before wiping some tears off his face.  


Dan only started to cry harder and Phil leaned back to look carefully at Dan’s face.  


“What is this morning? Too much is happening,” Dan looked at him as Phil reached up to wipe more tears off Dan’s cheeks.  


Phil shook his head with a small smile.  


“It can’t get worse than this,” he said softly.  


Right?


End file.
